lee_the_messed_up_punk

my #ucked up life
2006-08-23 04:43:12 (UTC)

the branch

10:31PM Tuesday

The last few weeks have moved faster then any in the
26 years I've been in this body. Like dreams inside of
dreams, at times it's hard to differentiate reality from
the time my eyes are closed.
Last night, I couldn't sleep so I cleaned the
apartment, finding a few Serequel on the floor and
swallowed them down with two beers before I was able to
dream once again. For the last eight years of my life I've
been sleeping every few days so sleeping every day feels
like overeating. Without drugs, my body would never sleep
and I have stayed up for ten or more days at a time,
hallucinating, hearing things and basically sleep walking
in the real world. When I don't have at least one Serequl,
the only drug that has been helping me sleep out of the
many I've been prescribed in the past, I feel uneasy and
never look forward to nighttime, when society expects us
too sleep and I begin to hear the spirits fighting just
around the corner in my mind.

A few days ago, me and Ter were walking back from a
government run picnic where there were as many hot dogs as
you could eat for free, with no condiments and warm water.
We still had a great time, probably from the uppers we took
before walking over a half an hour to get there and on the
way back to Pablo's, to drink some pop and hopefully get a
few smokes, we met a homeless man with skitophrenia. He
asked us for some help and told us his story that actually
brought tears to my eyes because I've been in his
situation, being cut off disability for pointless reasons,
only because the assistance departments in this city treat
everyone like a criminal, no matter what disability they
suffer from.
We shared a smoke with him because we barley had any
ourselves and he explained to us the way he always has to
listen to music or he himself hears voices fighting. Every
person that walked by gave him a repulsive look after he
asked them politely for some change but every time he
said , 'may god bless you', even if they didn't aknoledge
him or shook there heads. I saw a lot in him that reminded
me of myself and I really wish I could have helped him out
more then just sharing a smoke and hearing what he was
going through. It made me want to donate a few years of my
life to him considering I took mine for granted in December.

My mother has been the healthiest she's been for days
but today her and her nurses had a meeting about me, how I
take advantage of her and I'm so used to it that stressing
out how ignorant people are, that either don't care about
there children or have any themselves, would only drive me
mad. I really hope that one day people understand the
truth, the many things that have happened to me and her and
came to the retaliation that I'm only a good son that cares
about his sick mother. I'm also sick but unfortunately,
rather then people help me out or look at me for what I am,
they have this definition mapped out in there mind of a
person that is the exact opposite of how and who I really
am.
I didn't bother attending because I think I have
enough things on my plate right now that I'm so-called
doing wrong, only because my illness is not physical,
either then the pain I feel every day from falling on that
barb wire fence. One of the many reasons why I tried to
kill myself was because I couldn't stand having people that
are supposed to be helping my mother, look down on me and
treat me like a criminal. It's like having the ghost of a
security officer follow me everywhere I go, just waiting
for a chance to catch me doing something wrong so that the
pointing fingers would stop and I wouldn't be around
anymore.

I feel really good today, either then some back pain
but being mentally stable makes up for everything else.
It's amazing how people who don't suffer from any illness
take advantage of what it feels like to feel one with
yourself and nature.
A new branch on the oldest tree in the forest is out
of place, effects nothing and battles to stay alive in even
the smallest of storms.

lee




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