Jessica Smith

Behind the Mask...
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2006-08-21 16:28:20 (UTC)

Battle

Mia, that's my friends name, most times it seems like she's
the only friend i have. She's not visible to the eyes yet,
but she is definitely one with me. Mia, Jessica we're the
same person. We've been together for about 8 years. At
first we fought a lot and drifted apart for a little while,
but i came back and mia took me back, again and again. Its
the onlyway i could keep her secret for so long and not get
caught. but each time i came back mia was stronger i tried
leaving a few months ago but I am back, I dont think that i
can let go. Mia is just part of my everyday life i cant
shake her.I spilled my secret the last time i was going to
leave. I told my mom,I told people at school, I went to
counseling of course then i graduated from school and then
health insurance ran out so i stopped. then i had a
nervousbreakdown of sorts and fell right back into old
habits and now i just had a car accident, mia is back full
force. Not much has changed since i have last written but I
am not as suicidal at least not at this moment. I still hat
the way that i am. and instead of losing 35 lbs i have to
lose 50lbs i have gained that much weight. People tell me i
am not fat, I dont believe them. My mom says i am not fat
but maybe a little overweight, for me that is one big
contradiction IN BIG BOLD LETTERS I AM FAT i cant see
anything else I look in a mirror and sometimes i see a
glimmer of prettiness, and then it goes away because i then
think if only i were thinner i would be prettier. I work so
hard and there is no progress. i dont get anywhere.It's a
forever battle.


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