Timothy

Jack's Twisted Kingdom
2006-08-20 11:39:17 (UTC)

adventures in apt hunting

so, lets see. I've seen 7 places in the last week, 3 of
which I would move into at the drop of a hat. Unfortunately
for me, 2 of the 3 decided I wasn't cool enough for em. Or
maybe they didn't like the car, I dunno.

FRAK!!!

So, the 3rd one, which is the worst of the 3 in terms of
the minimum required space and such and basic cheapness
that I would accept. Has accepted me. Fuck I hate apt
hunting, and I actually hate & loathe moving, you wouldn't
think that considering how often I do it or have done it
in the past.

The most i moved in one year was 9 times.

I used to move 3 to 5 times a year, it's one of the many
reasons I tend to live a fairly spartan lifestyle, bare
necessities. By bare, I mean, tv, computer, stereo, nice
futon, couple of fans and all my books, and a clothes rack

I've always been so proud of the fact that I could move
in 4 to 6 hours if I had to.

Until now that is, and actually in the last, I would say, 4
years, I haven't enjoyed moving like a vagabond from one
place to the other. Blah, I was so physically ill over this
situation I almost threw in the towel called it a day and
moved back to that boring shitty hellhole called winnipeg.
people want me to move back, if my cats could talk and
asked me to move back I wouldn't hesitate. It's probably
the only reason I would go back.

But you know what I've noticed? its not the place. It's me

How fucking messed up is that? I'm not a happy person. I
might sometimes come off as one. But I'm lonely, almost
without friends (other than online ones, and the 2 guys I
met at the hostel) but, I'm really cut off from everything.

Ivan was right, no matter where you go, if you're unhappy
with yourself and shit, Mr Fucking Know it all - Thats me.
And Ivan. My life is crap, and I know why. It's me, I've
the one who's done it. The ones who's fucked up his life and
shit. you'll take your baggage, literally and figuratively
with you.

I always hated Ivan for the same reasons people sometimes
hate me for. That whole introspective "I see right through
your bullshit and fucked up life, and I can tell you why
you're unhappy and stuff."

But like Ivan, I just can't help myself. Well. I suppose I
can. I just don't know if I want to. I'm not giving up, I
just have to figure out a plan and stick to it. And I do
have a plan. I just, need someway of making a go of it.

You can never go home, or back to the person you were.

But in the end. Would you really want to?




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