My Ruined Reputation
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2006-08-13 22:43:49 (UTC)

I Couldn't Keep It In Anymore..

Dusty, I’m writing this for you since I’m really not good
and talking about things vocally…and I guess writing or
typing it all just gives me more time to really think
about all of it or whatever…I’ve been wanting to get all
this out for so long and I don’t know if I could take it
anymore so I guess I’ll just write it down.

Basically, it started when I was in 7th grade. I was 12.
That’s when I first started to really do drugs and stuff.
I had messed around with a few little things before that,
but nothing too big. During the summer before 7th grade I
met Weston. I don’t know what it was, but I liked him
about 10 minutes after we started talking. All of my
friends told me I should stay away from him but I didn’t
listen. So eventually, maybe after a couple weeks, we
started going out. He lived pretty close to me, well close
in comparison with other people. He would skate to my
house all the time and stuff. And then one day when he
came over, he asked if we could take a walk. My dad has a
huge avocado grove, like maybe 5 acres or something. So I
was just like ok whatever. And so we walked a little
while, and then he found a spot and he told me to sit down
there with him. I did. He started putting his hands up my
shirt and I tried to stop him and he slapped me and told
me not to get in his way. I was scared. I was so scared. I
had never been in a situation like this before. This was
like what only happened on TV, not real life. He sat on me
with his back to my face, pinned my arms to the ground
with his legs and pretty much ripped off my pants. I
couldn’t move or talk or anything. I just cried silently
and closed my eyes through the whole thing. So eventually
he finished, and got up and told me to stop acting like a
bitch and get up and put my clothes on. I just stared at
him for a second and he kicked me and told me to listen to
him. So I did. I was too scared to tell anyone. I
couldn’t. And I didn’t want to get hurt anymore than I
already was, so I just stopped fighting it. I would lie
there while he did his thing. He’d yell at me for being
lazy or stupid or whatever and would smack me, but I could
deal with that. I don’t even know how long this went on. I
just know that it started about September and then ended
around December. I don’t even want to count how many
months that is. I don’t know how I got away from it all,
maybe he lost interest, I don’t know. I don’t really care
either. So that was the end of Weston for now.

Then there was Justin. I met him when I was in 8th grade,
and he was a senior. He had always been so nice to me, and
I had talked him through a lot of things when his
girlfriend broke up with him, and I felt pretty close to
him. So I thought I could trust him. And so one day he
called me and he asked if I wanted to hang out and I said
yes. So he came and picked me up and he drove way down De
Luz. That big long windy road. It goes for about 10 miles
or so. He drove about 7 miles down I think. I don’t know.
But somewhere along there he pulled into a little thing on
the side of the road and looked at me weird and asked me
if we were good friends. I told him ya, of course we were,
and why he would think otherwise. He wanted me to prove
it. I asked how. To go down on him. I said no, and I
started to get really scared so I tried to get out of the
truck. I opened the door and he just said, it’s no good,
it’ll take you hours to walk back to your house, and it’s
mostly uphill. And I’m not gonna take you back until you
do this for me. I closed to door and looked down. I didn’t
say anything and I could feel him staring at me and I was
scared of what he might do. I guess he got frustrated with
me, because after a minute he just unzipped his pants,
pulled it out, grabbed my head and shoved me down on it. I
think the rest is pretty self-explanatory…

Ahh, and then the other thing with Justin. His best friend
was Leland, who I was friends with too. I was at his house
one time and Justin came over with eether or however the
fuck you spell it. Well Leland left with some other guy to
go get us cigarettes, and I just kinda sat on the couch
not saying anything. He sat down next to me and told me he
was sorry for what he had down before and that he’d never
do it again. I as kinda smart this time, I told him not to
talk to me. But then again, maybe it wasn’t smart because
I think it just pissed him off. Or maybe he wanted it to
happen like that. I don’t know. I don’t want to know
either. And then there was a cloth over my face that had a
whole bunch of that stuff on it, and I tried to hold my
breath but he wouldn’t let go so I had to breathe it in.
He kept it there for a long time, I don’t know how long,
but I got dizzy and things started to go black and the
room was spinning and I felt like I was falling down
somewhere. The next thing I remember was waking up in
Leland’s room on the mattress. I couldn’t remember that
anything had happened but I hurt really bad so I knew. I
came out and Justin just looked and said wow you slept a
long time. I went home.

And finally, there was Matt. The one who got me
pregnant. I met him the summer before freshman year. We
hung out a lot, and he would ask me to bring a friend too,
so I felt safe and that he wouldn’t do anything. Fuck, I’m
stupid. But whatever. So one night my mom and my brother
were both gone and he just randomly came over. I didn’t
have a problem with it. We went into my room, talked for a
little bit, and got into this conversation about sex. I
told him I didn’t do that stuff and he just…I don’t know.
Snapped? I don’t know if that’s the right word. I don’t
know what was going on in his fucked up little head, but
something was. He didn’t really show it at first, he just
asked me to lie down on my bed with him. Then under the
covers because he was cold. Again, stupid me. I kinda
liked him at the time, but I never thought anything would
ever come of it. So when he started to kiss me I wasn’t
about to complain. And then he took my shirt off. Again,
not complaining. But then came the pants and I told him no
but he wouldn’t stop. I started kicking and trying to get
him off me but he got on top of me and he was really
strong and heavy and I couldn’t get him off. I guess
basically you know what happened after that…

Then a couple weeks later, I hadn’t started my
rag. It was about a week and a half late and I started to
get worried. I waited another 2 weeks but nothing
happened, so I went and got a test. I went into the
bathroom at Albertson’s and did it, and it came out
positive. I cried. And that’s when I started doing too
many drugs. Anything to kill it. I didn’t want the baby, I
hated it, I wanted it to die. I would go through an 8ball
of coke in a weekend. Sometimes less. I would steal money
from my mom and my brother to buy it. I did a lot of shit
too. It was pretty much an every day thing. I was never
not spun or coked out. Most of the time I was both. I
would smoke weed pretty much every day or every time I got
the chance, and would get drunk all the time. Well, I got
my wish and it died. I don’t think I’ve ever regretted
anything more than that. I don’t know how I knew it was a
girl, but I just did. And I named her, which probably made
things worse for myself. I started bleeding one morning in
the shower and all I could do was collapse and cry and
watch it all wash away. I was in there for maybe 4 hours,
and I fell asleep once or twice. When I got out I was
still bleeding, but not nearly as bad. And that was the
end of that.

And then I think you know about the last 2 times
with Weston…I’m sure I told you, but I might not have. I
don’t know if I want to go into all that right now
anyways. And later I probably won’t want to either. But if
you want to know, just ask. I can’t talk unless it’s being
asked. I don’t know why. I’m stupid. I’m sorry. And I’m
sorry if this has put you in a horrible mood. I’ve left a
lot of things out, I know, but this is the most in depth
I’ve ever thought about it. And I don’t want to go any
deeper, so I’m sorry if it left you hanging a little bit.
I love you baby.

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