This is the beloved air I breathe
2006-08-04 02:21:39 (UTC)

Something better awaits - something sooo much better - go ahead - allow yourself to hope - it's really true

a while ago I posted a blog about whether God really
changes people or whether it's just effective behavior
modification put out by the church - if you have not read
that blog, I really reccomend you read it (go to, and search for me by e-mail
[email protected]), but it's not a pre-requisite for
reading this entry. Over the past couple of weeks I have
been getting my question answerered, and I wanted to share
that with you - ESPECIALLY if I put any doubt into
anybody's mind about the power of God. If that's the case,
I truly apologize, because as I search for answers, I truly
hope that people reading this will be direced towards the
answers and not the questions - does that make sense?

I think I had my perspective completely wrong. I was
asking if a person wills themselves to obediance or whether
God is the one that brings a person to obediance. What I
am coming to realize, is that it's not about the willpower
or the obediance. For me, a walk with Jesus is not about
going through life in an effort to 'abstain' from those fun
and tempting things. It's about realizing that there's
something better.
So when I asked my question about whether the church tries
behavior modification on it's memebers - my answer is
absolutely! I truly believe that a lot of churches believe
that this is their moral duty - to get their congregation
to stop from sinning - and a lot of church goers believe
that they have to stop 'doing bad things'. But at the same
time, God truly DOES change people. But he's not changing
people from 'bad' to 'good' it's something entirely
different, and that is what I was missing.

there is a worship song that says "It's your kindness Lord
that leads us to repentance". I guess another way of
saying it is that God wants us to realize that there is
something so much better out there. I know that to some
people I sound like I'm jumping into the old Christian
rhetoric, but I'm trying so hard not to - I'm trying so
hard to explain this in terms that are real and true -

When a person becomes a Christian their perspective
changes - he/she is no longer looking at the physical
things in life as priorities, but he is realizing that
there is a spiritual rhelm and that those spiritual things
are eternally more significant than the physical ones.
Well, that is what is supposed to happen anyway - but it
seems (in my life at least) that for most people this is a
long process - sometimes it's a tug and war with God.

I'm starting to come to a deeper understanding of my last
entry about pleasure. God does not create a longing if
there is no fulfillment for that longing. In my own life I
have started to see this ullustrated beautifully. I'm sure
most of you know that I'm going through a divorce and a
couple of months ago I was really struggling. I mean
REALLY. I was feeling so empty, so hopeless, and I was so
desperate for love. I was willing to give myself away in
whatever means I could just to feel a little bit of
compassion or love. All I wanted was a warm set of arms
wrapped around me just holding me and letting me know that
it would be Ok. I did not get that - and instead I was in
a place I have never really been before - entirely alone.
Always in my life I have been able to run to some person to
distract me from the troubles in my life. Recently I had
NO ONE. There is a new song out by Lonestar called
Mountains. the Chorus says something like "there are times
in life when you've got to crawl, lose your grip trip and
fall, when you can't lean on nobody else, that's when you
find yourself. I've been around and I've noticed that
walking's easy when the road is flat and dang those hills
they'll get you everytime. But the good Lord gave us
mountains so we can learn how to climb". That is exactly
how I felt the past three months of my life have been -
I've been learning how to climb - just stretching out my
little muscles - and those muscles are starting to grow -
and I'm realizing that I am a strong person, and I can do
this life thing
But I'm getting off the point - Lately, I've been plugging
along. Slowly healing, and growing and changing and
allowing God to just quietly breathe his true strength into
Last night I went to this home group with a friend. I
walked into what I thought was going to be a bible study -
and I soon came to realize that it was quite a bit more
intnse than that. These people are real about their faith
in God. So when we were worshiping, I was sitting on the
floor and I leaned up against the worship center, and I was
just overcome with peace. I had this visual in my mind
that the Lord was just wrapping his arms around me, and I
felt more peace than I have felt in sooo long - more than I
felt in anyone's arms - because this was real. The arms of
the men wrapped around me was just a partial fulfillment of
my desire - it only emphazied that there was a deeper
fulfillment to be had. Have you ever had that happen while
lying in bed next to someone? You have to try to convice
yourself that this is fulfilling because you are afraid
that if you admit that it is not as fulfilling as it is
supposed to be - then you have to be afraid that there may
never be anything out there to actually fill that craving?

last night I experienced that deeper fulfillment. But even
that was just a little hint that there is more to come.

A couple of months ago I said to God that i wasn't sure how
I was going to maintain the life of purity that I know I'm
supposed to - I really don't want to - and let's not kid
ourselves - it's not like I've done a very good job of
waiting thus far. I said that God was going to have to do
something pretty amazing in me to get me to wait. (Again I
was focusing on modifying the bad behavior instead of
realizing that it's so much more than that)
After last night, I have come to realize that I have an
amazing capacity and craving to love and to be loved - and
I am no longer hopeless that those cravings will be left
unfulfilled. God is just whispering my name , he's calling
me and drawing me, and I'm finding it irresistable. I
sense his ever drawing spirit all around me just
saying "don't resist my drawing any longer, come and be
mine. Let me be the father you have always longed for -
and let my show you off as my pure bride (I konw those
sound wierd in juxstaposition - I don't know how to spell
that word)let me give you all of the pleasures that you
have been desiring,and let me make you the woman that you
have always longed that you could be"
When I got a taste of that last night - the not having sex
thing seemed like a shadow. Of course it will probably be
an ongoing struggle - but the thing is that I'm realizing
how things on this earth are pale - like muted colors- in
comparison to the bright brilliant colors of life that we
experience when we just embrace who we really are and who
we were created to be. to quote from my poem " I will not
fight against my destiny".

There is a better life out there. You cannot earn God.
You cannot live a 'good' life and hope that will be enough
to make it into heaven. You will never be able to do
enough good things - because at the end of your life- you
will have done at least one bad thing - and that's all it
takes. So stop trying to be good. Stop trying to tip
the "cosmic scales" in your favor and just accept God's
invitation to be his. His beloved child - who is flawed -
and awkward - and who probaly laughts too loud sometimes
and says the wrong thing sometimes - and who probably wears
socks that don't always match - be his child. Just be his.
Take that step.
Don't be afraid.
It's more amazing than you can even imagine.
Your heart already knows how amazing it will be - and
that's why you feel the tugging in those very quiet times
of the night when you cannot make enough noise to drown out
the voice within you crying for a better life.

I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses.
Now choose life, so that you and your children may live 20
and that you may love the LORD your God, listen to his
voice, and hold fast to him. For the LORD is your life -
Deuteronomy 30:19