Courtney

The Up's and Down's
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2006-08-02 12:45:52 (UTC)

Lost - A Thought

The city lights seem to fade and grow brighter all in one.
It never ceases to surprise me. The deception left behind
from past memories is like a bad aftertaste. You had no
idea what you were getting yourself into yet you jumped
head first. I don’t know if it was the smartest thing you
could have ever done or the dumbest.
Somewhere along the broken hearts and life in my words, I
lost myself. I’m so far gone, I don’t even know myself.
I wonder if maybe I never truly knew myself to begin with.
If I did, when was that moment in time where my heart grew
cold and my face turned to stone? Where was that moment
that I stopped and couldn’t find the path I laid out for
myself? If I am lost, where do I get a map? Is there any
way to ever find yourself once you’re in the dark? Maybe
its teen angst, maybe I’m being dramatic.
How do I know myself from everyone else? How is it that
I’m just another person in the crowd when I tried so hard
to scratch myself out of the hole I’ve dug for myself?
I see faces and thoughts run through my mind. Why do they
look so happy? Why is it that their smiles can be so big
and their faces so bright with love and happiness when I
can’t find a spec of humanity within myself?
Where is this love I’ve been searching for? When I find
out who I am, do I have more than just a slim chance of
finding my eternal love?
I’m so scared to wake up one day and realize the best
times of my life are behind me. Back when worries were
something old people did and mud pies were all the rage.
Where differences weren’t as big as they now seem to be
and friends lasted forever, no matter what.
What happened to the time when confidence spilled out of
me? I lost the little girl inside and I can’t get her
back. I’m clinging to my last shred of her. Why would she
leave when I need her most? Now is the time when my future
will be decided and I have no idea or confidence in what I
do. I think I went with the flow for too long and
eventually, I got blown off course.
Maybe I live by the motto “there’s always someone better
out there at what you do than you are” a little too much.
I see my options laid out on the table and I touch one to
see if it’s real but when I do, this vision of me taking
all the time and effort to be that woman in that life
comes up and then suddenly it’s ripped away by another who
is better than I am. If I don’t make a decision, I’ll be
stuck here forever regretting that I messed up my life and
I knew well what I was doing when I did it yet I didn’t
care enough to change. And now that I want to change, I
can’t. I try but my tries are blasted by insecurities.
I wonder how people do it. How people can be so confident
in what they do.


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