muse

void deck
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2006-07-28 02:43:03 (UTC)

heart cry

I have been feeling rather empty these days. Even the
karaoke outing couldn't do much to lift my spirit. At least
I feel a little bit less tense everytime I sing my heart out.

Again, I don't really know why I feel the way I do. I have
been living with Lydia for the past 2 weeks. Sleeping on the
floor wasn't really much fun but I know I have to endure
this. My first night sleeping on the floor was really the
worst sleeping experience I've ever had. Even chllling to my
bones in Brisbane airport is nothing compared to my first
night sleeping on the PGP floor. Waking up every few hours,
unable to get back to sleep, my back and hips hurt like
hell. I realise now something must be really wrong with my
right hip joint. It hurt so much sometime even if nothing
happen to trigger it. I have been suspicious about this for
some time because I couldn't lift heavy things anymore. I am
heartbroken everytime I think about this, I don't know what
to do about it and I know there's no point telling others
about it as there's nothing they could do to help.

Loneliness has always been on my mind. There have been so
many changes that happened in the past 2 or 3 years. If I
look back at the way I was few years back, I wouldn't have
recognized myself anymore. I was a much happier and open
person then. Right now, I am a "couldn't-care-less" lass.
It's quite hard for me to emphatize with others now. I am
more blunt. I think over the years, I have forced myself to
change so much, to build stronger walls around myself. I am
so afraid of getting hurt that I don't even take chances
anymore. Sometimes I think I really miss the past me.

I think I am still a melancholic at heart. I try hard not to
yield to these mellow feelings anymore though. But everytime
I think about my love life, I couldn't help but to sink into
my depression. For normal people, by the age of 22, they
should have been in a relationship before. What about me?
There haven't been any guys who ever said to my face that he
liked me. Let alone being in a relationship. In fact, I have
never had a person telling me he/she cares for me. For me in
the past, this would be an unacceptable fact. It is
heartbreaking.

I have been thinking so hard why nobody ever loved me (well,
maybe except my parents, because every parent is supposed to
love their child). What have I done wrong to deserve this. I
hate this feeling. I hate having to depend on others for my
happiness. People disappoint, even the people closest to
you. This is a really harsh fact that I have learnt few
years ago. Boy, does it hurt like hell.

I really hope one day, I could find someone who loves me.
Who knows me inside out. Who knows what I want to say even
before I speak. Who knows what I really mean when what I say
comes out differently. Who will lend me a shoulder to cry
on. Who will give me a hug. Who will give me a kiss one
would die for. Who would make love to me like it's the end
of the world. One who will be my best friend, my teacher, my
lover.

Is there one like there for me in this world? If there is,
listen to me, I am waiting for you, please get here as soon
as possible. Or just give me a sign. I would come to you. I
don't want to live alone anymore.


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