Ben

Stuff
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2006-07-21 07:37:59 (UTC)

Life sucks

I avoid writing in this thing as much as I can... But
whenever I get pissed or something just eats me up that I
cant hold it in anymore, its the place for me to go. It
helps me calm down and feel better... But I don't think
this is going to do anything. Not this time.

In the last week, everything that i've feared is proving
true. Nobody can be trusted. Not even my closest
friends, not my parents and it feels like I cant even
trust myself anymore. I'm just falling apart. I CANT
TAKE IT ANYMORE. I hope when I dream I can drift away and
never think about it and when im there I die and stay away
in that world because this one I want to stab and kill and
murder everyone and everything because they or it is
fucking retarded.

Sean doesan't give a fuck about me, I doubt he ever did.
That angers me, but it doesan't make me sad. I could care
less what the prick thinks of me anymore. All he does is
bitch at me for wanting to hang out with him and all he
does is steal. I got really sick one day and I was having
him roll a blunt before I got sick (im guessing heat
sickness, it was 103 and I hadnt had anything to drink
that day). So I was thinking, ok, you rolled it. I'd be
mean if I had him roll it and he wasnt going to smoke it.
So, I told him he could have it if he drove me home and
smoked two bowls with me. He had other bud he didnt put
in the blunt and he thinks im to fucking stupid to realize
it. No, the joke is on you Sean. I'm going to have my
day. He better watch his back.

Moving on, I thought I could Jessa. But it seems that its
been misplaced. How fucking stupid was I to let her in?
She doesan't give a fuck about me and she doesan't give a
fuck about what I feel nor should anyone. Nobody should
have to go threw the pain I went threw and nobody will
ever understand me. To think, I loved her... Which I
still do, but my anger for her is just growing. The funny
thing is, all she had to do was tell me.. I wouldent of
cared. We are broken up, she's my friend. I want her to
be happy. I dont know if im jealous or what, but I found
out someone else she fucked and what pisses me off the
most is EVERYONE KNEW ABOUT IT BUT ME. If we are friends
she should tell me, even though we are broken up, i'd
rather hear that kind of stuff from her and not from my ex-
dealer who's drunk at the time. GOD DAMN. I want to be
pissed off so god damn badly, but I dont have a f'n
reason. All she had to do was tell me and I wouldent of
cared..

But that whole situation gets me thinking. If I can't
trust Sean and Jessa.. Who can I trust? Can I trust
Hoho? He knew about Jessa and didn't tell me. Sean knew,
Ryan knew, EVERYONE KNEW. All of my "friends" keep
secrets from me and they are all out to get me. They are
all out to steal my weed and ditch me to the best of their
capability.

I can't trust a single god damn soul on this planet..
Which is the main reason why im so depressed all the god
damn time. I don't know what I want but something in my
life is missing. I can feel it inside of me when im
thinking.. I don't think its love, I don't want love
because everyone i've loved has hurt me so badly.. I
don't want sex, because that is not me. I have a full-
time job... I have a great family, a nephew who i'd
murder for and a dog that i'd protect with my life. When
I was young, I have everything I ever dreamed of... What
am I missing and why cant I find it? I feel like cutting
myself but I know thats a pussys way out. I feel like
crying, but im not a coward. I feel like pain but im not
bruised.. Will I ever find someone? Will I ever find
that something? Will I ever find whatever it is im
looking for in life?

Everything I have ever hoped for, everything I want to
achieve... Everything I want in life is meaningless.
What's the point in life? We live, we die and then
blank. Nothingness. A black fog of war falls upon our
closed eyes and there is no question in my mind that in
the dark tunnel there is no lighted rooms or fixtures to
turn on. There is nothing but death after life and
everything you have achieved in life is taken away and you
are given a hollow box six feet underneath the ground.


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