This is the beloved air I breathe
2006-07-19 00:46:58 (UTC)


I have been going back and reading some of my old entries -
I cannot beleive that I have been keeping this journal for
like 5 years!
In some ways, much of what I have said is so full of
wisdom - it's like I speak words of wisdom - don't realize
it, and when i go back and read this stuff later on, God
speaks to me through my own words.
I like this journal, cause I know I'm not being judged
here - on myspace I feel ....well...I dun know.

but I was reading one particular entry about marriage and
what I expected my marriage to be like - boy I sounded self
righteous...and now I'm in the process of getting
divorced. huh - I wish I had taken my own advice when I
got married the first time - I said all the right words,
but I didn't heed one of them.

So,I'm really kind of torn about this whole dating thing.
Do I date? Like the way that everyone else dates, or do I
just go about life, going to church and really allowing God
to work in me, and trust that God will bring someone into
my life?

Well, see, that's the thing - I'm not sure that it really
has anything to do with God...that it's more about what I

There is this guy at work that I am totally into. I have
really gotten to know him over the past couple of weeks and
I really like what I see - and we talk about everything
that we want in our futures and it seems that we really
want a lot of the same things out of life and marriage --
but then I see the way that he treats other people. He's
so disrespectful to others at times - and he talks about
having ambitions and dreams - but he doesn't take work
seriously, and he doesn't do a job that he knows he can be
proud of - mostly because he says that he's too good for
this place -
and then I had a conversation wtih him about God, and I
found out that he doesn't believe that god exsists at
all....and so I've really been thinking about the whole
thing - "one more unhealthy person for me to put into my
life so that I can 'fix' him".....but I really like him,
and he seems to meet me in a place that no guy has really
met me before - and the way he looks at me, he's truly
attracted to me.
So, I started praying for him. If he really does come to
a place where he allows God to really speak to his
heart,God can change anyone! And the God stuff will really
work in the other areas.
HOWEVER...I need to make sure that I'm leaving it up to GOD
and not trying to do it MYSELF....
because I have noticed that that is a pattern that I fall
I want this guy to be able to make the healthy changes in
his life because he wants to, not because I think he
should. But if I am honest with myself, I will say that I
need a couple of more months before I am ready to really
enter into a realationship as well.
see, that's the thing, I'm ready to date again, but I crave
the intimacy of a relationship so much that I know it's not
what I need right now.
Ironic, huh? When I feel that I NEED a realtionship,
that's when I should not be in one, and when I feel that I
can totally live without one, that's the healthiest time to
enter into one? is that supposed to work?
ramble ramble ramble.
I need to eat something, my stomach is talking to me!!!!
tenge un buen noche (btw, I'm learning to practice my
spanish more as I am good friends with a Puerto Rican - and
I have noticed that I speak better spanish when I'm
drunk ...becuase I'm less inhibited....I suppose the same
would be true for sex too, huh? miss
I still haven't figured out how I am going to manage this
purity thing - or if I will be able to .....or if I want to
be able to.
I know what God says, but I think that after my last
marriage experience, that moving in together seems like the
next logical answer for me in my next long term
that's the thing, I'm SOO TORN! I want to marry an amazing
Christian man, but I don't want a Chrstian man that is soo
fundamental and sees everything black and white - I want
somone with a complex understanding of theology and who can
debate the philosophical things (yeah, like i can even
spell the word....) I'm afraid that the way I'm
living my life will turn away the Christian guys (not that
I'm living it too horribly...but I do miss church every now
and again, and I have been known to get 'accidentally
drunk', and I have a few shirts that show ::gasp::
cleavage, and ...yes, this is the doozie....I LOVE SEX!(not
that I go around making love to every person I
meet)....however short my 'list' it's does not meet that
standard of "one person for your entire life" heh...i can't
really save my self for marriage.......cause I've already
been married.....
but then the kind of men that I will meet in the secular
world will always fall short of the kind of man that I
need, because the spiritual component is so key for me. I look for a great guy in the secular world, hope
that he's a Chrstian, and if he's not, pray that he will
become one? OR, do I look for a great guy in the Christian
world, and hope that I will not fall so hopelessly below
his standards that I will be foever date-less and destined
to become the "old maid".
do you see my conundrum?
I hate this stiff necked New England churches. I was so
much better in California.

I was reading in one of my entries before I went to Cali,
that I was "giving up something for God to go..." that's
such shit! I had the best time of my life there, and given
the chance to go back, I would take it in a heartbeat!

guess I needed to feel like somebody is listening...even if
it's only myself reading back on this years from now.... I'm hungry and tired....I must go!