the end, the beginning
where does the time go???
I am not sure why I started this diary 2 1/2 years ago and
then made only one entry and then nothing else. I can't
even remember where I was then. Right now I am in the
middle of no where. When I turn one way I see a vast desert
with no end in sight, if I turn around there is everything
one could ever hope for. But here I am, stuck in the
middle. So for a little updating. After 33 longs years on
earth I can say I am genuinely happy most of the time. I
have 5 beautiful daughters, my newest being born 4 months
ago. She is a final step in happiess having been conceived
with the love of my life, probably my first love. Too bad
it took me 30 years and 2 failed marriages to find him. I
look at her and see so many possibilties. So different from
my oldest. She is 16 and ready to spread her wings and take
off. But she is not ready. I think because we are so much
alike that we have spent, I should say wasted, so much time
hating each other. She wants me to be her friend, I need to
be her mother. Some people say you can be both. You can't.
That is why I am where I am with her today. I have tried
so hard to give her everything in life. All of the things I
never had. There are so many things about being a mother
that you can't understand until you are a mother. She went
out with her friends last Friday night to see a movie and I
haven't seen her since. She has no idea the turmoil and
heartache I have been throught the past 8 days, or does
she?? Is this her way of punishing me?? By breaking my
heart. My brain tells me let her go, let her have a taste
of the real world and she will come home when she is ready.
She will figure out she does need me. And then the mommy
part of me just wants to find her and tell it's ok, no
matter what you do to me I still love you. No matter how
many times you hurt me I would still give my life for you
without a second thought. So...where do I go? Which way do
I turn?? I don't know. That's why I am still standing here
in the middle, lost.
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