Ben

Stuff
2006-06-15 01:55:12 (UTC)

A Dream

So yesterday I had a flashback when I was sleeping... I
dont know why but its stayed in my head all day. Its made
me silent since I got up... I dont see much point in
talking anymore and I dont see much of a point to my
life.. Usually something triggers it- Something makes me
depressed and then I go off and make it 100 times worse in
my mind then it actually is... This time its all in my
head.

In my dream im little, somewhere around 5th gradish...
I'm trying to get away from my dad but he keeps getting
bigger and bigger... I turn my head and curl up into a
ball but it doesant help.. My family all watches and
nobody does anything.. NOTHING. Fucking nothing at all.
Half way through my family left as if it wasn't a big
thing at all. Finally he stops.. He leaves and im just
laying there.. It was so real... I could taste the
tears. I cried and cried in my dream and nobody came...
Nobody. Not my friends and sure as hell not my family- My
family deserves every peice of fucking hell I give them.
I remember thinking that when I got up from sleep and then
I wondered if the reason I do shit is just to get back at
them. Then I realized that all the shit I have done has
only hurt me; pissed off my parents... But all it did was
screw me over.

I have wasted so much time and I dont think I could ever
get it back... Whats done is done and what is in the past
is in the past. I cant change it. I cant help myself and
I couldent if I wanted to. Each and every night I look up
at the sky- I keep thinking, what if somebody up there
is... well... up there and if I wished and wanted
something so bad, maybe.. Just maybe it would come. I say
just let me meet someone. Let me find something...
Anything... So this empty space inside of me gets
filled.

Every day I tell myself im over what has happand in my
life. The very attitude that I have day in, day out is
one that says to live for today and not dwell on the
past.. Yet I beat myself up over it and it isnt forever,
its a sudden urge- A strong urge.. A feeling in my
stomach that tingles my body and makes every square inch
hurt. Its horrible. There are so many things in my past
that should stay there. If I could forget every day
before this one, I would. I'd forget my family and my
friends and id want to forget every memory because for
every happy one, I have three bad memorys. Everything
that I am and everything that I want and should have been
has been screwed up so badly... I have no place to go, no
one to hold and no one to tell me things are going to be
alright.

For the first time in a long time, I feel so alone.


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