slave jess

Journal of Joels slave
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2006-06-07 08:08:08 (UTC)

is this the end?



i didnt sleep at all well last night. i just cant get the
past 24 hours out of my head. i am feeling so empty and
M'Joel and i have emailed each other several times. He
claims that He never received my messages asking to chat
after dinner with Him. i am aware that He has chat program
problems all the time. but i just cant get over the fact
that He seemed to get all my other posts but not the 2 that
asked Him to chat with me after He had eaten.

i am shattered. i just dont know where to from here. i
have everything sorted at my end and it is just a matter of
getting my final medical clearance before i fly to be with
Him. i am now questioning everything. M'Joel says that
things will be different once i am there in person. i had
thought they would be too but now...?

at present i am only asking for a couple hours of His time
to be with me. when i am there i feel i will want more than
a couple hours. i know chatting isnt the same as real life
in regards to spending time together. when M'Joel first
began to chat with me, Wwe had the hours together but now i
feel like an old comfy pair of slippers...dependable and
easy to forget that you have them on so you take them for

today Wwe had a few heated words exchanged. i chatted with
another person. i sent MJoel a copy of the chat and He has
a few problems with what i said to her. He plans on
discussing theses issues with me next time Wwe chat. i
also chatted briefly with "p". she is such a support for me
right now. she has told me that she will always be here
for me no matter what decisions i make in regards to my
future. i am just so confused by all that has happened

M'Joel things i am holding a grudge. He said that i bring
up all His wrong doings over the time. well yes i do but i
dont think He fully realises the huge change i am
planning. this is my life i am dealing with. it is mine
to worry about. who in their right mind would make a life
change like i am without looking at all the facts in the
past. it is our past that builds what we are now. if this
wasnt the case then there wouldnt be any screwed up people
in the world. right now i feel i am the most screwed up
person ever. i need help and i need it quick cause i cant
do it alone.


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