My Ruined Reputation
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2006-06-01 02:37:36 (UTC)

To Look on the Inside and See the Ugly

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. It's getting out
of control. I never thought it would. Not for the second
time. I looked for one of those BMI calculators last night
on the internet and entered all my stuff into it and it
said I'm underweight. And I was looking at all my old
clothes last night too. Like my old pants that I never
wear. Since 7th grade I've gone from a size 9 to a size 0.
That's FIVE sizes. I've dropped FIVE sizes. But I still
look in the mirror and see myself with pudge. I mean I
know I'm not fat, but I'm just scared of GETTING fat. I
don't even think scared is the right word. I don't know
what the right word would be.

But I think it all comes down to one thing. I'm selfish.

When I first thought of that, I didn't think anything of
it. But now that I've taken it into serious consideration,
I realized that the reason why I'm so fucked up is because
I'm selfish. I do drugs to make myself feel better. That's
being selfish. I'm not eating because I want control over
myself or something like that. That's being selfish.
Whenever I lie, I'm being selfish, because I'm only doing
it for my own benefit. I cry over people I've lost because
I miss them. Again, me being selfish. It's just an on-
going cycle of self-fulfillment.

...I really hate myself.