i was out of my protein shake (yes i use a protein shake) so
i decide to go to the local vitamin shoppe. i love any
store that's capable of pulling off an unnecessary 'pe' at
the end of it's name.
i went in and kind of scurried over to the protein shake
that i wanted in hopes that an employee wouldn't pester me.
no such luck, it was memorial day, there was no body in the
store, but me and this one HUGE dude. no joke. this dude
was about 5,000 tons of pure muscle. when he walked he
struck me as the trees in lord of the rings, very rigidly
and with great caution so as not to destroy anything in his
"how you doin' son"
i love how black people always refer to white people under
30 as sons, it's at once endearing and derogatory. coming
from a tank of a guy i decided to go with endearing.
"you lookin' at protein shakes?"
at this point i was able to size him up. if i had to be
realistic he was maybe about 6'3 - 6'5 and about 230 - 300
lbs, all muscle. his shirt could barely fit around him. he
was definitely a roid kinda guy.
"yeah, i like this one."
he looked at it and squinted his eyes.
"hm, well are you trying to build mass or just grow strength?"
i had no idea what the difference was.
"what's the difference"
"well, if you want to build mass you gonna look like me." at
this point he stopped to admire himself by giving a quick
glance down upon his body. "now, if you wanna grow strength
you gonna be lookin' to be puttin' on some lean muscle. no
what i mean?"
ok, now doesn't that sound like one of those questions your
girlfriend asks you right before you go to bed like,
"which one of my friends would you want to do a three-some with"
and you're trapped and you know it and she's till coyly
trying to get an answer so you do answer and it's just one
big shit-storm for the next 8 hours?
if i said, yeah. i felt i would slight a man who looked
like he ate concrete slabs for breakfast and shat out finely
constructed steel wool.
fortunately he helped me with an amazing observation.
"you do martial arts don't you?"
"yeah, well i used to, not so much anymore."
"yeah, see i can tell by your physique." at this he sized me
up. "you look like you do a lotta cardio."
"i guess so." i was starting to feel sheepish, i felt like
this guy was trying to get me into his bed.
"well, you picked the right protein shake." then he
innocently stared around a bit, "but...you ever try this?"
and he walked over to a shelf with creatine.
"oh yeah, well...no, i haven't i've heard of it."
"man this stuff is INCREDIBLE!!!" at this his eyes bugged
out of his immense head, "i mean you know, the first hour or
so man, you know i'm workin' out and i'm startin' to feel a
bit......" at this he paused and added with emphasis
"fatigued.." and at this he sort of raised his eyebrows at
me, "but you know i started takin' this and man i can keep
on pumpin' no sweat yo."
THE FIRST HOUR?! my whole workout lasts about one hour.
jesus christ. now how was i going to get past this.
he sized me up again and said,
"now look, i ain't tryin' to...." at this he paused again
and with an elaborate motion of his hands continued, "upsell
ya. i just think this thing really help ya."
"hmm, yeah, but don't you really have to go through a
loading phase at the beginning for it to take effect?"
he cocked another eyebrow.
"i mean i've read about it and apparently you have to really
chow down like a shetland pony to get it to work."
at this he grinned and said,
"yeah...guess you do."
"i mean you take about a bottle a week....get's expensive"
hoping to slide out with the money card.
"yeah...s'pose it does. man i tell you what first coupla
times i take this, i had sludge...know what i'm sayin? i
mean it was just like a slurpy, all nasty and grainy...see i
got the powder and no matta how much i try to blend it....."
at this he paused for a second, put his hand on his chest
and said in a self-reflectory manner "it still tasted grainy".
at this i decided it was time for my exit.
"well i guess i'll just stick with this for now, but in case
i try to ummm...try that stuff, i'll definitely come back
and let you know."
"alright you do that man. i be more than happy to help ya."
i believe i've made a friend at the vitamin shoppe.