more human than human
2006-05-30 04:46:19 (UTC)

I wonder, sometimes, what's wrong with me...

Here I sit, at my live-in boyfriend's computer, while my
beloved is sleeping (or attempting to, maybe) behind me. I
glance around, reflecting on my life as of recently, and
see that things may be looking up. We're catching up on
rent, the one person who fills me with nearly as much joy
as Chris has started speaking to me again, and I'm doing
fairly well in school. This term is almost over, then I
only have 2 semesters and my practical left. I can't say
life is exactly as I'd have it - I'm still in debt, and
not sure how to pay for next semester - but in general,
things are more stable - financially and emotionally -
than they have been in about 2 years. Or at least, they
should be.

So why, one might ask, am I staring at a knife - a very
jagged looking knife - and pondering how much it would
hurt? Oh, I don't think I'd kill myself; no, nothing
nearly that drastic. But it probably would not be healthy,
no, and it would probably hurt and bleed quite a bit; it's
a very serated edge. I don't know why I'm pondering this
idea of scoring my flesh. I don't think Chris would like
to wake up and find me streaked with dried blood in the
morning; no, I'm quite sure he would not indeed. And it
would be awfully difficult to explain in my assessment
class in the morning...or I'd be forced to find somewhere
no one would see; a thigh, perhaps, or that perfect groove
that lines the outside of a woman's breast. Hmmm...I
suppose that might do, although it is awfully close to an
area checked during lung assessment, which we're learning
tomorrow. No, I think perhaps I'll stick with the
contemplation of pain, slight yearning for it even - the
real thing, it seems, would be quite messy, and would
probably arouse too much suspicion.

Don't worry about me, just a little out of sorts, a little
worried, and a little overcast, when I should be very