muse

void deck
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2006-05-29 08:32:46 (UTC)

life

sometimes i wonder why i am so closed to my parents and
family. why all the phone conversations with them last
barely for 5 minutes except for a few times when i had some
matters to discuss with them. i never tell them about my
personal life here. i wonder why.

for those of you who know me, i am not a quiet person. i am
very open about my personal life with people whom i know. i
will gladly tell people about my life if they are willing to
know.

i used to long for my parents and sister to understand me. i
want to tell them about my life, my feelings, my dreams, etc
etc. but i was never heard. never. no matter how much i try
to convey my feelings and thoughts, they never get it. what
they are interested in is for me to do what they think is
best for me. they think that i can't think for myself yet
because i am always the youngest in the family. they tell me
that they love me. but the message never sinks. because for
me, this is not love.

one of the moments that left deep impression on me is the
time when i found out that my mum read my diary. i wrote
about this guy whom i had a crush on when i was in primary
6. and she teased me on that matter. she thought it was
funny. that i would blush when i knew that she knew. what
she didn't know is that i was hurt. i was hurt because i
never trusted her or allowed her to read my diary. it's the
sense that i didn't have the sense of privacy. that i didn't
have a life of my own. that i was never taken seriously. i
was angry.

i think ever since that time i had lost all my trust i had
once for her. i trust my friends much more than i trust my
family member. whatever my mum told me, i would try to
deviate from it.

i am not angry anymore. i no longer nourish any resentment
towards my mum or any of my family members. in fact, i
hardly remember about my past, except for some life-changing
moments. i have reconciled with my past. but i have become
callous to people. i don't care that much anymore. sometimes
it hurts to think of the person i have become. because i
don't think this is the best way to live.

all my life i have been longing for one thing. one thing
that has been lacking all my life. love. and it is still not
present in my life now. i wish someone would tell me that
he/she loves me, and means it.

i have survived so far. i am proud of myself for that. i
have learnt to stand on my own and be independent. i have
taken the rocky path, full of resistance. i realise i am
hard on myself sometimes. but i know this is for the better.
because many a times,if not all times, i have to fend for
myself. nobody will fight for me.

i know i am not as lucky as some people. i know i am bound
to be envious at times. to be angry at why i must always
take the more winding and rocky paths. but this is not
injustice. this is life. this is what has made me the way i
am now. for all the nasty things and for all that i don't
have, there are the good things and there are the things
that i have. for all the rocky paths, i have gained muscles
and higher pain threshold that made me stronger.

so,what that i am , Lord, i thank you. and i pray that You
give strength to go on each day with fresh spirit and joyful
heart.

for life is a gift.


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