people drive like fucking morons. i loved how they had that
recent survey of who the "dumbest" drivers are. let me give
you a tip...it's everybody but you!
christ people drive like idiots. anyhow, this morning as i
was driving to the gym i got my dose of utmost stupidity
behind the wheel. you see i live on main street. good ole
main street u.s.a. the problem with main street u.s.a. is
that it's fucking hard to get out of your apartment complex
or any cross street for that matter because main is always
clogged. you basically just give it a go by inching out
little by little.
well i had just gotten out onto main street when i noticed a
van doing the inching thing. i also noticed that the red
subaru infront of me was apparently being drive by someone
with opposable thumbs and who had just had a lobotomy. the
car in front of me kept on lurching to the right and it took
me a second to relaize that they were sizing up parallel
parking spots in which they could enter front first.
now i'm with George from Seinfeld on this one, i declare
that unless there is about a football field of room you BACK
into your parallel space. there's no room in this world for
front end parking.
anyhow, the red subaru passed the cross street where the van
was already half way out like an eager dog dying to join
other dogs in a park but held back by a leash. the car
broke loose. i have an uncanny ability at telling when
someone is going to pull out on me. the formula is:
(female minority) X Can't quite see over the wheel^On a
simply this was a formula for trouble!
well the red subaru found it's spot, and did it's nose dive
while the van peeled out and right into the back of it. it
was actually a pretty sad accident, because the van had NO
chance of avoiding it.
i sighed, shook my head and tried my hand at rounding the
accident. at that moment the black woman (still on her cell
phone) from the van JUMPED OUT OF HER CAR AND BLOCKED ME!! i
almost ran over her!! i was so pissed.
she came flailingly at me and said,
"you gotta witness this. this ain't my fault, she didn't
have her blinker on!"
actually she did, in fact it was still on.
i sighed again and told her i would park and stay. i got
out of my car and walked towards the accident. the black
woman was on the cell phoen still (this time apparently wiht
the cops). her name was tamara. the guy in the subaru was
one of those obnoxious "i just hang-glided down the side of
a mountain by a bald eagle's testicles" out-doorsy guys.
apparently only out-doorsy people drive subarus.
anyway he was livid. according to him he was completely in
the right (surpisingly, no?) and did a lot of gesturing.
the black woman (sorry tamara) by now seemed a bit concerned
with her predicament and was just tuning him out.
she got off her phone and said,
"dey gonna be heah to straighten this out."
"straighten what out? you HIT ME!"
i backed away after seeing that book entitled 'don't make a
black woman take off her earrings' just in case tamara was
to take off some accessories. instead she glared at him and
"we'll see" and got back on the phone.
the guys name was andrew and he seemed like a genuine dick.
he kept on gesturing towards her and saying,
"this is ridiculous, this is ridiculous."
i was about to tell him he shouldn't be driving after he had
had a lobotomy when i remembered bout last night and how
well confrontation worked out for me.
so i just said,
"well if you believe you're in the right it's best for a cop
to be present."
at that exact moment as andrew as nodding, tamara came
flying at us.
"what are you two talking about?"
i was completely floored. holy shit, i was starting to
"i...i, just said it's a good thing the cops are coming."
"cos they'll know that i'm right."
oh...my....god. i'm going to die at the age of 24. the
earrings were coming off.
thankfully right then a cop did come (fuck a police station
was maybe two seconds away!).
he stepped out and looked about as happy to be on this earth
as a jew in the holocaust. he scratched his head and
"what seems to be the problem here."
that killed me. what the fuck do you think is the problem?
"deh was an accident, offi-sir." she really accentuated the
last syllable as if to sound condescending along with him.
he pointed at me. i wondered why when i realized i was
wearing all red i guess to go with the car.
"no, me. and she hit me! i was backing into this space."
whoa. backing? watch your words, i mean the angle of the
car obviously belied that.
the officer craned his neck at the car.
"looks like you weren't really backing in."
"yeah, i guess i actually went in front first, but i HAD my
at this tamara started gesturing and quasi-hyperventilating.
so the officer turned to me.
"what's your story?"
i was starting to get kind of pissed with his attitude.
"i just saw the whole thing. wanted to see if you needed me."
i witnessed 6 eyes upon me, four out of pure "you better do
what's right" and 2 wiht a "i wonder what i'm going to have
for lunch expression".
"well she came out of that cross street, with a left as he
was pulling into the parking space front-first."
"was the blinker on?"
"was her blinker on?"
"i don't know that was out of my line of sight."
"my blinker was on!"
"well, what i'm gonna have you guys do (he turned to them)
is fill out a report. and if i could get your contact
information (he turned to me) we can get on our ways."
"well who's at fault." - andrew said almost seething
"well that's not really for me to decide sir. way i see it
the witnesse's story (at this gestured at me with two
fingers in a chopping motion) goes along with what i seem to
see here. lady came out as you were parking your car
front-end first. seems she was going quite a good speed as
you had been moving away from her."
wow very observant! i almost applauded, she did take out
his left side bumper entirely. and if he had been moving
away (as his angle indicated and as was true) it showed she
had peeled out.
of course tamara started buggin out. at which andrew got so
red at the face that i couldn't stand it anymore. they were
ready for screams.
i asked if i could go and i was told i could. no thank
yous, no nothing. what a bunch of idiots.