jen

Too Much to Say
2006-05-23 21:55:57 (UTC)

will he still think i'm beautiful?

Pregnancy is really taking a toll on my emotions, my
phsychi, and my body. i found my first belly stretch mark
yesterday and i almost broke down in tears. being so
freaking tall and slightly overweight, my body is already
covered in disgusting stretch marks and to find more-which
seemed to appear over night-was almost cause for a break
down. i have never felt so insanely UNsexy in my entire
life. i've gained weight (and not just baby weight), i
have nasty stretch marks, my boobs are sagging down to my
waist, i have this 24/7 reminder that i'm a mother, and in
3 months my cha is going to be stretched the size of a
watermelon...it's just REALLY depressing. i mean, for
someone who never really had the perfect body to begin
with, i'm surprised at how much pride i took in what i
had. i mean, i felt like i COULD seduce my husband. and i
liked the way i looked in lingere. i liked the way i
looked naked. now...i just feel disgusting. and it's not
just the belly.

feeling ugly really kills your sex drive. you don't want
anyone to see those parts of you--they're gross. i miss
the ME of a year-and-a-half ago. right now i can feel
her. but she's this sexy, free-spirited, sensual, daring
girl trapped inside of a pregnant woman's body guarded by
responsibility and maternal instincts...and insecurities.
i hate it! and that makes me so fearful of experiencing
some sort of awful post pardum depression. i don't want to
resent my child. although perhaps giving birth to her will
cure the resentment. the part that i resent is that i
can't ever put her down. i couldn't go to six flags with
jason, i can't go on the canoe trip, i can't go boogie
boarding in florida, i can't do anything adventurous, i
can't lay underneath my husband, i can't wear sexy clothes,
i can't vigorously diet and exercise...i can't do any of
that because she is always HERE!

i love annabelle with all my heart. i start to cry every
time i even look at another baby-or just baby clothes. but
sometimes i just wish i could put her in her crib.

i've heard it so many times, but it never really dawned on
me that pregnancy will change my body forever. and that is
REALLY upsetting. and i really don't know if i'm going to
be able to handle that. it sucks! i'm too young! i'm
freaking 23 years old and my body already feels like it's
going down the crapper!

i just want to be beautiful. no...i want to be sexy. i
want to satisfy my husband. i don't ever want him to not
be attracted to me. especially when it's my fault. i've
let my body go and i don't know how to motivate myself
again. i used to love to workout.

i feel so fat and lathargic...and PREGNANT! i just want to
cry every time i look at my body in the mirror.

it's so hard to be a mother and a lover. but i don't want
to give up either.

i hope he still thinks i'm beautiful in 3 months.


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