ShadowDawn

aRegretfulSerenity
2006-05-18 05:08:47 (UTC)

back then

its so close to the end of the year and i cant shake this
dreaded feeling that this year is gonna leave me with scars.
so many times things have gone wrong, people have been hurt
and feelings turn bitter and before anything ccould be
mended, everything ended, and we parted our ways for good,
leaving nothing but deep wounds and bleeding hearts that
scar over time because there aren't anymore days left in our
lives to make things right. because we never made time to
make things right when we still had the chance.
now here i am, just a few days away from a de ja vu, but
this time i see it coming.

i think it hurts more when you can see the future but cant
do a damn thing about it.

i just want to fix things. return them to the way they
were when we were all happy. i want to apologize to the ones
i hurt the most... those who i wanted to hurt the least. i
want to rebuild the burnt bridges from the ashes still
smoldering on the ground.
i want to look you in the eye and say im sorry.
to tell you that dispite our conflicts and differences, i
still look at you and see a friend and an ally. someone i
would die for. i want nothing more than to say all this and
know you believe it.

but i cant ask that. i cant shake the feeling that you
would never forgive me, no matter how many times i'd forgive
you, that you'd look at me, and still see an enemy. maybe
not even that. maybe just a lowly aquaintence, someone you
know, and possibly even concider to be in "good relations" with.
but i want my friend back.

i want the one person who saw me lying face down,
desparate, alone, and in pain from a fresh wound of the
heart, and picked me up, put me on my feet again. gave me a
reason to believe and trust again.
i want that friend who could make me laugh on a bad day,
the one who could have fun even when it was just the two of
us driving to walmart.
the one who used to call me, even if it was 2 in the
morning, to tell me a funny thing she just saw on tv.
i want that friend who used to come visit at odd hours of
the day and night just to talk about nothing or simply
borrow a crying shoulder.
i want that friend who used to be my crying shoulder.

things have gone wrong, i know, and we've both been hurt.
but i cant let you leave here with us singing bitter
anthems, keeping each other at a distance, wondering what
happened.
i need my friend back.

but honestly, im scared.
im scared that you'll go out into the world and get lost,
end up god knows where, get hurt, or get killed. i dont know
where u'll go, what u'll be doing, and im afraid you'll
forget me. im afraid you'll become happy and successful and
forget that i ever existed.
but i wont forget you because you're the one reason im
still breathing today, simply because once there was a time
you cared and were there for me. a time i almost fell into
death... but you caught me.

and you never even knew you saved me.

a guardian angel, but i never told you. and i cant let you
leave this place without telling you thank you...


...i just wish things could be like they were back then.




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