Kalamity K

The Daily Chaos of Kalamity K
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2006-05-18 03:17:58 (UTC)

That Old Familiar Urge

I want to cut.

You don't really understand...it's that old, familiar,
comforting, terrifying feeling of wanting and needing to
do it again that feels like soon it will overwhelm me.

I want to do it. My skin is crawling with the
anticipation. I guess that sounds sick to many people.

I haven't done my work. I don't care. (I do care.) I
want to bawl my eyes out. I can't deal. WHY CAN'T I
DEAL? I wish I could be like everyone else and just
figure it the FUCK OUT.

I want to to cut.

But I won't. I'm going to go and brush my teeth and go to
bed and force myself into that place where I can exist
without having to do anything but listen to some music and
fall asleep, and feel nothing but like I'm a third party
to the proceedings.

I'm beginning to wonder again if I have bi-polar
tendancies. People generally laugh at me or write me off
when I say this, so I have learned to keep it to myself,
but...I do still wonder. I don't have the true highs and
lows and actions and reactions of mania, but I become more
and more convinced that it's not just depression, and it's
not just mood swings.

You know, the funny thing? It's always when I start
feeling good that I crash the worst. When I get to the
point where things seem to be going well and positive,
then it just comes. Everytime, whether I'm looking for it
to rear its head or not, when I get a natural, good
feeling high, it gets pulled out from under me. The
universe seems to help, throwing bad days at me when I
start to fall...but you know what? It's all connected.
Not everything, but many things. I'm sure that somewhere
my brain has it all figured out and I start losing my
focus a few days before it happens and then, bam, it seems
like everything bad hits at once, but it was groundwork
laid. Or something. Do I sound strange? I must.

I want to cut.

Instead, I'm going to go and brush my teeth and come back
and listen to Munich and try to remember that in the grand
scheme of things, my life is pretty good.

K2


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