Kalamity K

The Daily Chaos of Kalamity K
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Ezoic
2006-05-18 02:57:23 (UTC)

Stupidity

I feel so stupid. I feel so very stupid. And I'm feeling
sorry for myself and that's even more stupid.

I think I'm depressed as hell right now and I just feel
like shit. I am losing my impetus to keep myself going on
a positive level. Had a couple of stupid things happen at
work, one thing that hasn't resolved itself out and that
is weighing on my mind more heavily than it should. My
boss will be angry with me when she finds out, but the
wheels of justice have not fallen off in this province.
She is, as far as I know, simply going to have to argue a
motion at a date later than she had wanted. I really
don't think it's a giant problem but she didn't want to do
it that way and since I feel out of the loop on a good day
for all I know I really fucked something up. I don't
think I have...but I can't stop thinking it. Another
reason I'm stupid.

I am so upset. I barely care, but I'm so upset. I'm
fucking up my newest round of school just because I can.
I'm the dumbest law student you've ever met. I'm fat and
ugly and my eyes are screwy to look at if pretty in colour
and I act like a 45 year old trapped in a 29-year-olds
body and these commercials keep coming on that say "Where
does depression hurt? Everywhere. Who does depression
hurt? Everyone." etc. I just want to cry.

My mother called with a legal question and I have never
felt so stupid...except for the last time she did this.

I actually fixed a problem at work today. But that didn't
balance everything else out.

I swear I've tried to be positive and get things going in
the right direction and I just can't. I'm never going to
have the things I want because I can't fucking figure it
out. This girl in my class, she has one of the jobs that
is on my short-list of jobs I really want, but am rapidly
becoming convinced that I'll never get it because I
present myself poorly, because my confdence is lower than
rock-bottom, because I really think I'm so unworthy. I
know I'm not dumb, but I don't always think I'm smart. I
think I'm shit at most of the jobs that I do, except for
the ones I hate to do. I don't know. I am so fuckng
frustrated and upset rght now. I cried at home today and
my boyfriend tried to help me but I wouldn't let him help
that much. I'm so upset with him, too. And he finally
says, "We have a lot to work on." Yeah. We've had a lot
to work on for a long time and I don't even know if I want
to any more.

I am so upset.

I am so depressed.

I just feel numb. It's not even numb. It's just...flat.
Like a nerve that has no feeling any more. I don't like
the word dead, or I'd use it in connection with it. Like
it's there, but I can't feel it. Like it's taking up
space but not bothering me. But that doesn't make any
sense.

I ask it so much but I guess I'm asking again. What the
hell is wrong with me?

I don't know. I'm going to bed. It won't be better in
the morning, but I can pretend it will, can't I?

K2


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