This is the beloved air I breathe
2006-05-14 23:30:41 (UTC)

Mother's Day

Well, today is mother's day.
I want to be a mother.
I will never be able to be one if I stay married to
Jason...well I kind of already am one.
I dont want to be terrible.
We are officially seperated.
We probably will be for quite some time.
Seperating was the hardest part - now that I have done it,
I am not going back unless a very strict set of criteria
are met. That sounds terrible, huh? But the reality of
the situation is that I should have had that very strict
set of criteria before I got married. That is what normal
and sensible people do.
I never thought that I would be in this situation.
I couldn't sleep last night.

We are not going to get divorced right away. Jason
doesn't even know that it's something I have been thinking
about(if he read this damn thing, he would know). I am
really going to give it a lot of a
give him a chance to really show how much he loves me.
Maybe he loves his family more than me - only time will

If I had just listened to my friends and family in the
fist place, I never would have been in this situation. I
just had to "make my own decisions" how "mature" of me.

Now I'm lonely. I want the company of another person. I
want someone to hold me close and tell me it will be ok.
the person who has done that for the last two years of my
life is gone.
I'm so fragile right now.
I'm so unstable right now.
But I feel strong.
I know that this is all goign to be ok, and that I am
going to grow stronger and really change from this
you know, it's funny - when I made the decision to move
back in with my parents when my lease is up (at the end of
June) I knew that God was doing a lot in my life. I knew
that there were a lot of changes that were happening in my
life, and I told all of my friends that I saw this time as
as time of new beginnings and starting over - a time of
growth. How profettic (I know, horrible spelling!)
Little did I know that it would be without Jason.
I have to say that I am a little bit releaved,
but .... ::sigh:: lonely.
I have to go through all of the growth that I went through
in college, and I have to undo all of the "growth" (weight
that I have gained) that I went through in marriage.
I have a good 100 pounds to lose in order to really get
where I want to be.


Then there is this other guy - the guy who intrigues me -
the guy that probably thinks I'm psycho.
I'm sure that I more than likely am!

I know that this is long and rambly, but I just need
someone to talk to, and...