A Little Lovin'
two very surreal things happened to me today, at first i
didn't know how to go about writing about them, but then my
good friend chronological order came to my rescue. here is
what happeend to me on my morning commute:
there's this dude who rides my commuter train to work every
morning. he's not really a midget but he's somewhere around
4'9", so basically, he's a little dude. now this little
dude is needlessly enthusiastic. you know the guy, the
"born-to-be-a-motivational-speaker" type. the guy who's
always clapping his fucking hands with a stupid god damn
grin on his face. well this is the pint sized version.
he's always very intense and i always steer clear of him
because he nauseates me.
lately this man let's call him 'stu' has gotten to courting
this lady on our train, who we will call 'vanessa'. now
vanessa is a lady probably in her late 30s early 40s who
still has a killer body. her face isn't that great but i
have to say she maintains and always gets a couple of
glances from the desperate guys on my morning commute.
anyhow, stu (who is probably in his mid-30s) is a real
go-getter, he has set his sites on vanessa and he won't let
up. every morning he enthusiastically engages her in
conversation to which she is luke-warm at best and offers a
few concillatory smiles.
well this morning i made the mistake of taking a 4 seater on
the mornign train and vanessa sat down (as any courteous
passenger does) diagonally from me, so that my legs would
have some breathing room. she gave me the obligatory "i
know you but please don't start a conversation with me
smile" and i responded with the affirmative nod.
2 seconds later there was a tremendous commotion as someone
pushed his way frantically towards the seat directly towards
my right. down plopped stu right next to me and across from
oh god. i knew i had to move...but i had a damn window
seat.....oh fuck it!
i returned to my book which was 'prey' - michael crichton.
after a few failing attempts at starting a meaningful
conversation with vanessa, stu glanced over at me and did
what i like to call "the desperate short-man's last resort
at getting with the pretty decent looking woman by making
fun of the austrian reading michael crichton move"
"um...prey, it's by michael crichton"
he said the word fiction like he just puked it up.
"well I like to read non-fiction."
with this he grinned at vanessa all knowingly who gave a
feebly smile and returned to sending a msg on her blackberry
about the dipshit 4'9" dude trying to court her on the
morning commuter train to her girlfriend.
"you know...i like to read something where i learn."
that's it. and right then it hit me how to push HIS
buttons. you see, he wanted me to be silent and i more than
anything wanted to be silent, so he figured he had a good
shot at letting himself go. instead, i did the opposite. i
closed my book and turned full face to him and started
talking like a sorority chick after her third long island
"well, you should really pick up this book. i mean Mr.
Crichton (i definitely referred to the author as Mr.
Crichton) has a great way of explaining complex
technological innovations in laymens terms...in fact, in
this book he talks about nano-particles who become sentient!"
i could tell right away it was working. i had put him in
the exact position he didn't want. he was engaged in
conversation with me with vanessa silently fleeing into her
"well that's all good and well and i do read fiction
sometimes, it's just that um...well"
but i didn't let him finish.
"did you know he created the show E.R.? and he wrote
jurassic park! you ever see jurassic park? that movie was
incredible! one of my all time top favorite movies."
now i wasn't speaking some hyper-ventilatingly excited
voice, i was speaking in my usual quasi-sarcastic
'nick-tone' so everything took a while to say.
at this point he look completely pissed.
"YES WELL.... I WILL READ IT SOMETIME"
and with this he shot me a look that said,
'do you really want to get a 4'9" man's foot broken off
inside your anus?'
so i shut the fuck up.
about 7 mins. passed and he finally engaged vanessa in
"do you ever use that thing for text messaging?"
"no i hate text messaging"
"I HATE TEXT MESSAGING TOO!!!"
the ferocity with which he exclaimed that was astounding.
now i am quite certain that there are people who do not
enjoy text messaging, but i am just as damn certain that
there is no one on this earth who hates text messaging as
much as this guy just said he did. he was obviously
for the next 10 mins. i listened to the two of them bond
over their hatred for text messengers. charming.
moving on to the end of my day...............