My usually fucked up life...
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2006-05-09 05:29:23 (UTC)

Just can't sleep....

As the subject says, I can't sleep. I was sitting up,
waiting on a pain pill to hopefully kick in and knock Me
out...well, it kicked in but obviously I'm still awake. I
was watching tv and John Edwards "Cross Country" was on. I
don't know why but I am just fixated with that show. I think
that it has to do with My having been so close to death so
much in My own time only to have others that have passed
come to Me in what can only be expressed as dreams and tell
Me it isn't My time. I know I can't talk to My family about
this because they would just say that I was dreaming and it
was all a figment of My imagination...but when I nearly died
of sepsis in Feb 05, I SWEAR My grand mother and My great
great grandmother both visited Me. I have actually had
dreams when I wasn't in the hospital in which My grandmother
and/or great great grandmother would visit Me just to talk
and let Me know that they are still around Me. I usually
wake with a peaceful calm feeling after a night like that. I
also know that at least to an extent they are around as I
swear I have heard their voices at one time or another when
there was NO ONE else around and I have seen what most would
call "atmospheric orbs" even at times moving between My face
and the computer to get My attention. I would kill to have
tickets to his live appearance which I just found out there
is one day left (August) but the tickets are
almost 200 dollars. I just want to go to have the chance
even of some form of assurance that I'm not losing My mind
from all that I have been through in My life.

Speaking of My life...when it finally does come to an end, I
hope that it is known that I don't want people to just sit
around and cry about My loss....but to think about what they
have/had with Me and the type of person I truly am/was. I
have already expressed to My family that I don't want to die
by any means but at the same time, I am not afraid of death.
I just don't want to ever live like a vegetable on machines
and be nothing more than a burden to My family/friends. I
have already felt so many times in My life that I was
nothing more than a burden and that things would have been
better if I had either not survived as they said would
likely be the case long ago...or had never even been born in
the first place. But I had a situation in My life once that
My father while on a drunken binge told Me that I was
worthless and if they had known ahead of time I would be
born with so many medical problems, he would have made sure
I never was born in the first place. I think that this is
why I am so pro-life and against abortion except in cases of
which it will cause the death both of the parent and child.
I feel that if the child is going to have a chance at a
life, it should have exactly that....a chance at a life.

Ok, I still can't sleep...but I think for the moment at
least, I have rambled on enough. I know My past ramblings
haven't been so good...but I wanted this one to try to be a
bit more upbeat. So I will shut up for now.