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2006-05-08 21:08:41 (UTC)

it seems every year or so i..

it seems every year or so i update this thing...and
well..i also have an xanga which i normally dont say
anything overly serious in just basically what i did that
day...but yeah i think ill update this one in a more
serious life right now is happier then
ive been in i can't remember how long...i have an amazing
boyfriend..who i love...i've though i was in love before
but man was i wrong...seeing him brightens my day...when
im with him i never want to leave...when he holds me i
know everything will be okay...and i can tell him
anything...we also fight like crazy never over anything
really serious...i love that as well seeing as ijust
typically like to fight with people...but we fight and
then make up right away...never stay mad...the downside to
this is i can feel the side of me that freaks out whenever
anything get serious with a guy starting to freak
out...and then i start to push him away...i wish i didnt
do that...i guess its because of my dad that im that
way...seeing my dad beat up my mom...cheat on her...never
hold a job...amoung other things...really doesnt make me
wannna run out and trust guys...but yet ive always gone
out with lots of them...i don't understand myself...i
think i just needed to find a guy who wont let me push him
away...who will stick around...and prove to me they arent
all the same as my dad...speaking of my dad he really did
move to florida then...last november...havent seen him
since...i must say i miss him a would think the
stuff he has done would make me have a lot of hate towards
him...there are times i hate him and wish he would
change...but then its like i wouldnt be the person i am
today if i didnt have a dad like him...i wouldnt be nearly
as strong..i love him and miss him and my sister and my
step mom like crazy...but yet im sorta scared to go down
there this afraid im going to feel out of im not part of the family anymore...which is
was already sorta awkward just going there on the weekends
before but now it will have been 7 monthes that they
havent seen me, let alone really talked to me...aww my
little sister wow shes 6...crazy stuff right there...i
miss her even more...its kinda sad...she calls me and
tells me how much she misses me and how she wishes i lived
with them...and its so cute how she completely loves my
dad...she reminds me of myself...he used to be my
hero...the bad part of that shes gonna get a wake up call
one day...and when that happens her whole would will be
crushed...although my dad has changed...not nearly as far as i know he doesnt beat up my step
pretty sure he still has affairs...some things will never
change...which is a reason im jealous of my sister...she
has it easier then i happy for her...i wouldnt
wish it upon anyone to have to see the things i did...i
hate the flashbacks i get i sorta put my
whole past behind me and dont think about it...but then
something sparks it and i get these me
sitting in my room with my radio turned up loud
crying...trying to drown out my dads screaming and my mom
crying...and seeing my mom come falling down the
steps...due to my dad shoving her down them...the threats
to shove her out of the moving car...actually pushing her
out of the car...threatening to shove a newspaper down her
throat if she doesnt shut up...i just wish there was a way
to erase those things so i dont have the flashbacks...but is great in friends are family is strange as always but i love them
all...its you never picture ur life to turn out
the way it does...but it still seems perfect...