slave jess

Journal of Joels slave
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2006-05-08 17:24:50 (UTC)

sub diary 08-05-06


i am so confused, more than ever. i have finally made
contact with Master. i am angry. i am relieved. i am
pissed off. i just need time right now to gather my
thoughts into some coherent form then come back to

ok i am back.

i am aware that with all the surgery i have experienced in
the past 3 months that my body and emotions would be
effected. Master & i have kind of chatted about my
feelings right now. He says Wwe need to talk about it but
how can i be completely open and honest when the anger
inside me is eating away at me. i am still questioning
myself and what i am capable of. have i expected too much
of Master? are my expectations too high? i just dont know
any more. Master has apologised for being out of contact
with me but right now that just seems like words to me.
with communication demons that Master & i encounter more
than regularly, this might be understandable. but right
now i feel that Master has thrown me to the wolves.

i keep looking at it as if the roles were reversed...if i
had been the one who promised to be there for Him anytime
anywhere. i am aware that Oour situation is causing Master
to be depressed due to His inability to be here with me
physically but He isnt alone with these feelings. it was
human error that He failed to take His cell phone with Him
when He went to visit a friend until so late at night. i
just know that if He was in my position of just being out
of hospital and crying out for support that i would have my
cell in my hand 24 hours a day....checking it every couple
minutes...i didnt expect Master to stop His life for me but
i did expect Him to be there for me like He promised. i
feel betrayed. i feel lost. i feel alone.

Master & i again chatted & spoke on the phone. He talked
me through some pleasure and as much as i enjoyed it but
that was actually the last thing i needed from Him right
now. i know when a male is having a downer that sex is
comfort but when a female is down sex can add to it.

why cant i let this go? why am i feeling so bad right now?
why cant i see the sunshine? why can i only see the cold
dark side? i am now having second thoughts of posting this
entry as i dont wish to upset Master. but if i dont would
that be defeating the purpose of this diary. maybe i
should cut and paste this & email before posting. if You
are reading this then Master has read it in private and
given me permission to post it.

slave jess {MJ}