Amnesia

dude
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2006-05-06 16:52:47 (UTC)

Need to get my thoughts in order...

So Chris is Pissed at me because of Win. The more I think
of this the more I think it's illogical. Sure I should
have not let some things to assumptions, thinking that if
he sais yeah go out with the guy, that... Well, let's
start from the beginning...

Chris asked his doctor how long you can be a carrier of
mono. So the doc says, only two weeks. So I couldn't have
been a carrier for so long. So he asked me if I've been
kissing anyone and I told him what I thought he already
knew. That I did kiss win before we were official.

He said he doesn't like the guy. He asked if he kissed me,
and I said no, I kissed him. I was wondering why he was
that upset. I found out that when he said, yeah go out
with him, he was being sarcastic. So he wouldn't have put
it together that we kissed. He still doesn't know that it
happened more then once, but he does know that I'm not too
sure why I did that. I knew nothing would come of it. That
pissed him off as well.

The things that got him going the most I guess were the
fact that I keep saying that I want everything to be open
and honest. The impression I was under with that, was that
Win is in the past. He came before we were official. I
thought he had known about him. I guess I should have
brought it up even if he didn't ask me. I felt that it
wasn't something I should bring up at times. Because what
boyfriend wants to hear about his girlfriends past
affairs? He said something like that himself. That you're
not suppose to talk about stuff like that on a date. Okay
so I guess I just miscatagorized it. I thought he knew,
guess he didn't... and one way or another I should have
given him more detail. That's the other thing that ticked
him... how he found out. His trust towards me has
decreased.

I had to go to work, so I did. Got to thinking though, I'm
not in the mood for crying over this. I felt the absence
of love in me for him. There's no love for him in me
whatsoever. I guess...I got this idea that he might not be
the one. My horoscope does advise me not to settle when
young. I got to thining... it's been my greatest
relationship yet. He is a great guy. Something between us
could definately work, but if it doesn't I'm okay with
that. If it's meant to be it will be, eventually. It
hurts, but I'm not heartbroken over it. I get it.

I see this as an opportunity. I was getting too caught up
with him. I didn't wanna search anymore cause there's that
connection between our though process. I got a little
carried away with that thought, cause... I don't know.
It's also a great opportunity on his side. He told me he's
falling for me, and that it's still hard for him to find
something wrong with me. i guess his bubble needed to be
burst a little so that he doesn't get real badly hurt
later.

I still think he's overreacting. Sure he's got the right
too be upset, but he should get over it... oh this is what
I wanted to put in... I kinda like it. The fact that
there's a downfall somewhere. The fact that I feel hurt
and sad. It's not hitting me as much, I find myself
thining about it more just to feel hurt. maybe it's
because I am a bit massachistic and I like to feel pain,
or it's just because I've been so happy for so long, it
only makes sense to balance things out a bit.

I don't regret what I did with win really. maybe I should
have stopped at one kiss. But being with win during that
period of time has made me more affectionate towards
Chris. And the day I started showing more affection
towards Chris is the day he became confirmed about us
being together. How do I tell him that so that he truly
knows everything without him cutting me off with some
angry words?


....If he really wants to know more about my past
relations I guess I should tell him my relations with
David... that might actually be a regret. But only
partially? How about Jo? Or Martin, Ricky, Sebastian?
Victor, he would not want to know about Victor. And
ofcourse Brandon and his cruel joke...

If we brake up, I just don't want to leave things at a bad
note. I'd love to call him up right now, meet him up
somewhere. But it's too early, he's still pissed. I wonder
what he did last night. He was out I think. Probably went
to a bar, or club, maybe even strip club, didn't get back
till like 4 or 5 in the morning. Called me while possibly
drunk and still pissed off.

I'm glad I'm working. That forces me not to call him at
this time. He needs to cool down. I'm not gonna call him
today. Hopefully... I wish he'd be okay to talk by Sunday.
I'd love to see him and get everything resolved.


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