This is the beloved air I breathe
2006-05-02 20:02:53 (UTC)

wandering soul

I feel like a drifting soul
just drifting on in this reality
so many times we just think that the love of a person is
enough to keep us grounded.
apparently not.
I'm so confused!
I don't know if I love Jason or not!
I don't know if I am supposed to assert my independance and
say "well I can't let you drag me down, so we are going to
part our seperate ways and I am going to live my life"

or If I am supposed to say
"I love you, and no matter what happens, we will work
through this"
but I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I cannot trust him. I'm
afraid that no matter what I do, that no matter what I say,
things will always be the same.

that's what it is. I see what Jason can be, but he will
not see it for himself.

Am i just being selfish?
I feel that I have no where to go. The place I always go
for comfort has become the thing that is tearing me up
I know that am supposed to turn to God to comfort me,
but ...but... I that is just pie in the sky.

Like it's religion that got me into this situation to begin
with. I've been having questions about Christians.

I don't want to leave jason, but I feel that he is not
giving me a choice!

i have grown to resnt him for what he has done to me. He
has tried to keep me to himself. I feel like a butterfly
who is stuck in a jar. But then I start to think that even
if I were allowed to fly, I'd fall. I feel that my wings
are broken, even though they probably are not. I'm too
scared to find out.

God! I'm so torn.
you know the irony of this all? He's so self absorbed.
No matter what I tell him, he's never going to hear it.
It's always about him. I have this journal here, and he
will never read it, becaus he doesn't want to be bored with
the complexities of my mind.

how could I have been so blind to get involved with a man
who can not see me for what I am?

He just wants to take me on the terms that meet his needs.
He doesn't care about mine.

I feel so alone.
I feel so helpless
I don't know what to do.
I feel so empty.