This is the beloved air I breathe
2006-04-28 14:14:34 (UTC)

Back for business


I guess it’s true what they say about the soul being
black. My truest self is an ugly animal. I think that
sometimes As Christians, we try so often to suppress the
darkness that’s within us, to let God redeem us, that we
forget how ugly it is in that soul of ours. We see
ourselves as forgiven (as we should) but we forget.

The past couple of days, I have indulged myself in wild
imagination. I have taken a plunge into the truest part of
myself. I am learning about basic human instincts. I
think that this is the mode that most humans operate in.
Primitive. People gravitate to one another, get married,
and then gravitate away when they feel like it, and they
make no qualms about it. They feel no remorse, no pangs of
conscience. People cheat on one another, they just
gravitate as life leads them.
And now, after being married for a year and a half, I
understand why!
I understand it, because I know what they are feeling. I
cannot tell you how many times I have thought about
divorice, or cheating on my spouse.
And this is not because I’m unhappily married, or because
we are not meant to be together. It’s because marriage is
hard. It was so much easier when it was just me. Two
people are learning to become one, they are undergoing a
process that is never ceasing.
It’s work.
I was a single person. I had the freedom to date (or not
date) whomever I chose. I could do the “primitive” thing
and gravitate wherever I wanted.
But now I’m married. I have to learn how to shut off those
things. I’m learning how now to be single.
I think that maybe it’s just easier for most people to end
the relationship, than it is for them to go through the
deep soul searching that it requires to morph into a hybrid
person (two people becoming one)
There is so much going on within me.
I can’t even begin to explain it all.
I’m so happy that I have begun writing again, though.
It’s such a release
I know I need Jesus, I know that I need to let go of my
sin, and allow myself to be redeemed, but I’m enjoying my
dark deluded soul. Is that terrible?
Sometimes I realize what a terrible person I am.
But, in some twisted reality, I love myself.