as i was walking down the stairs to the copier i took a
quick glance out the window and saw something rather odd.
this guy and this girl where dumping what looked like shit
onto our front lawn at our office. i quickly told my boss,
who groaned and went out with me.
"hey what the hell do you think you're doing?"
the girl literally jumped out of her shoes and yelped,
"no, no, it's ok sir, we're just trying to free a squirrel."
at this my boss took one glance at me which basically said,
and went back inside.
i however decided to saunter over to our fence and look at
the bag. at this time i (being the ever-observant person
that i am) noticed a few things.
a.) the girl was incredibly fucking hot
b.) the guy obviously didn't know the girl and was trying
his damndest to get laid by her for the following reason:
any guy who looked like this guy, your stereotypical frat
guy with the quasi-greasy hair, three layers of shirts, none
of which seem to be able to contain his bulging biceps and
disgustingly orangy skin, is going to give two shits and a
flying fuck about a wounded squirrel if he's already banging
so i stood there and looked at the squirrel which was
desperately trying to get back into the bag (and also
seemingly to escape back out into the road).
"there's a vet over there if you think he's hurt" and i
gestured across the street where some 90 lb year old woman
was futiley trying to convince her 300 lb st. bernard that
he should enter the veterinary hospital.
"no i think we're fine thank you." the frat guy said in what
i took to be a rather unneccesarily gruff tone.
so the two of them walked around to our gate and entered;
the girl wringing her hands and with a very concerned look
on her face constantly percing her lips.
the two of them were now in our yard, the girl on all fours
trying to coax the squirrel out of the bag. needless to say
this was starting to cause a commotion with every male
within a five mile radius.
i left the two of them out there and went back into work.
"what the HELL are those two doing out there?" my supervisor
"they're trying to set a squirrel free."
15 minutes passed and they were still out there. i looked
out my window, sighed, and went back outside.
"he won't come out of the bag." the girl pouted.
"yeah i mean i'm trying to coax him out, but i can't seem to
get him out."
"well maybe you can put him over in the mulch i can see if
we have some tissues inside so that we can make some sort of
"yeah!" the girl exclaimed.
at this the guy gave me the most withering look i've gotten
in a while then said,
"no, don't bother, here."
and with this he took off one of his shirts. i'm dead
serious, this was the biggest douchebag alive. he was going
to use this squirrel to get in this girl's pants no matter
what the cost.
of course the girl ate that gesture up with a ladle and
crooned and awed at him.
the squirrel finally did come out and the girl now noticed
that it appeared to be limping.
"oh no, i think it's hurt."
"well you can go to the ve-"
at this the guy swooped down and picked the squirrel up.
jesus h. christ, he was now acting like fucking doogie houser.
he carefully examined the squirrel and then declared,
"no, i think he's just tired."
with this he put it back down and it was visibly shaking
now, but it also oddly looked like it was really tired.
"awwww, he's shaking, do you think he's cold?"
it's 70 fucking degrees out and it has fur! what the fuck
do you think?
with this the guy tenderly wrapped the baby squirrel in his
by now the girl was back on all fours with her face about an
inch from two incisors the size of texas.
"ummm, i'd watch out he may jump at you. i have two rats
and i can tell you that it hurst like a sun of a bitch when
they bite you."
"oh wow you have rats?" at this she wrinkled up her nose,
"aren't they slimy?"
slimy? this girl is really cashing in on her looks.
"no, they're actually really clean and way too smart; let me
tell you. i had one of them do my tax returns."
at this she laughed quite heartedly and the frat guy had now
given me the 'i'm gonna fuck you up if you take this away
from me look'.
so i decided to saunter away again, when the girl asked if i
could get the squirrel something to eat.
i went back inside.
"what the HELL is going on out there?" this time it was my boss.
"the squirrel is hungry."
"you're not feeding that thing out there are you? you know
if you get one of those suckers out there i'm gonna have a
god-damned herd of those things gnawing at my door."
"just some bread, the squirrel is gonna scurry away the
second they leave it. this way if i show that it's well
taken care of maybe they'll go away."
so i went and got some bread from our kitchen and returned
"so are you from around here?" the frat guy was currently
asking the girl who was completely absorbed with patting the
squirrel's cute furry head.
"yeah, i acutally work at the smoothie store that just opened."
-mental note, get more smoothies
"well here's some bread."
"oh thanks so much! here you go little guy." and with this
she tore up about a year's worth of food for the little
baby. after closer inspection she still wasn't sure that
the squirrel was alright.
at this the frat guy once again turned into doogie houser
and i swear to god he was about to give it mouth to mouth.
finally the girl was convinced that they had done all that
they could do.
"i might drop by later to see if it's okay, will it be okay
if i just come in through the gate?"
"sure." i shrugged.
"yeah, i um, i wanna come by too, is that cool?" he didn't
really even look at me when he asked that, then continued
towards the girl,
"when do you think you'll be back?"
"probably around a little after five, once i'm off work."
"alright! great, so i'll meet you here then?"
wow, i can't believe he used the damn squirrel to weasle out
a quasi-date. that was so lame.
"well thank you so much...what's your name again?"
"nick...well i'm katie."
at this the guy kind of scuffed and gave an obligatory nod
at me then left with the girl.
that must have been the lamest, most pathetic attempt at
male posturing i have ever seen.
a little after five the two came back. but predictably the
squirrel was gone. oddly enough the girl didn't seem too
torn up by it. the best was the guy though, the girl just
kinda left without him (i think she was kinda creeped out by
him by that time) and the guy was staring at his shirt,
he picked it up and shook it. smelled it and then threw it
over his shoulder and left.
he didn't close the gate.