nin137

Nick's Journal
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2006-04-27 02:05:13 (UTC)

Beyond Reason

it's weird. there are certain things i do which illicit no
explanation. i guess you could say that they are...welll.
based upon intuition/faith.
there was the day my dog was dying. now i know that this
whole predicament is beyond pathetic, but i felt a necessity
to be with my family. for that one day when people
questioned as to why i would possilby travel 250 miles just
for one dog i realized something inside of me just created
the drive. there was no drive and only a premonition.
i drove home and found my family standing around my dog in
my backyard. it was sort of eerie; i realized that they
were only trying to go about their weekly routine of
maintaining the yard; but had just been stopped. i remember
walking up to the grove of ferns where they stood with a
white body heaving up and down waiting to die lying in front
of them. i remember that same mass of white beating it's
tail as i came towards it.
i remember that same 'hopeless, dying mass' lying next to me.
i hope i helped him die not just in joy but in ecstacy.
i just thought i should skip my finance 3104 test.
i thought i should go home.
then there was me; graduating, with an offer from a new york
city law firm.
good old alston and bird.
but my grandfather was dying of cancer. i knew for god damn
fucking sure this would be my last chance to see him alive.
and i
well
fuck reason.
i should have taken it i suppose.
but never would i have.
i saw my grandfather.
and you know what? i always (naively as juli says) believe
thing will work out for me.
and as of yet they have.
but the fallacy in this lies within the premonition that
things, "just work out for me".
i work hard to make it so. i make up for my transgressions
from realism. and that is what makes faith real.
when you work for it.
you can always dictate your life and your faith.
the essence....is believe in your own capability in shaping
in your own reality and letting all others fall by the wayside.
well the focus of blogorophay is not upon whether or not you
have manage to build high or low but whether or not you
have mangaged to just no implode.
---
i had a damn fucking great today.
i went to a fucking baseball game with my boss today. i
didn't work at all.
as i came home from "work" i encountered a junkie pursuing a
mexican couple who obviously knew no spanish.
"can you just give me one dollar man....one dollar."
he begged.
he asked me for the same; but my callousness was already
affronted.
but he persisted upon the couple who knew no english:
"just one dollar man."
so i actually intervened:
"leave them the fuck alone man, they're just trying to buy
some food."
i felt much more heroic when i actually did it; it doesn't
look nearly as good in print.
no reasoning.


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