Soul Flares
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2006-04-24 04:49:26 (UTC)

Breaking Down

I can't hold on anymore. It's getting so hard; just to
breathe and think, and exisit. It hurts; everywhere. My
heart feels like a rock in my chest, and my eyes wont stop
watering. I've been doing so much crying lately and I hate
it. Yet I can't stop. Kiki needs me, and I can't do anymore
than I have done. I feel like I should do more. More than
cover for her, more than hold her, more than be there for
her. I want to protect her, save her. but I can't.

I feel so powerless, so worthless! I want so badly to do
something; but nothing is enough. I can't be there for my
friends, everything I try, isn't good enough . . . I cut
today three times with the safty pin from my bag . . . and I
cried today out by the play equipment at church.

I don't know what I can do. I want to help but I cant. I
want to smile but I can't. My dad is always angry with me
now, my love life is going crazy, and I'm afraid to trust my
friends after 7th grade. I feel so trapped and lost. I hurt
and I ache and even though cutting help, I feel guilty
afterwards. When I'm talking with my friends it's ok, but as
soon as their gone, I crash. I fall apart.

I had to run out of the LT group thing today twice because I
just couldn't take it. I felt like my heart would blow up,
if I even still have one. I don't know what to do about
Chris, there are no feelings there. I feel bad about James,
and guilty even though I know it was for the best.

I try to look at the bright side. to keep a smile on my
face. I just don't know if I can keep that up. Yeah I maybe
got another job. Yeah maybe I even have a chance at another
few boyfriends. Only those things don't matter to me. My
friends matter to me, and right now my heart is aching for
my weakness, for my inablility to do anything to help them.
I wish I wasn't so worthless, that maybe there was a point
in me living, maybe a point in me being the way I am.

I just wish I understood Gods plan, I wish I knew why my
Father is so angry with me. I wish for so many things; and
none of them will come true. None of them ever do.

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