Jenny's Journal
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2006-04-20 00:53:43 (UTC)

another day passes

yet another day passes...

When I went to do my taxes I realised some important
paperwork was still at "The House." I had to file an
extension last minute because I couldn't retrieve them
while he was there alone.

When got in the car to drive to "The House" I started to
feel that same fear and panic in my body that I felt so
strongly while living there. It's the kinda fear and panic
you feel when you realise you can't breathe... suffocation,
and a huge weight upon my chest.

I took a deep breath and turned on the radio. I looked out
at the moon still high and bright in the dark 5am sky. I
noticed that time had flown by because it seems just
yesterday that I was staring up at the full moon over the
ocean with my friend. While calculating the discrepancy I
sipped more coffee and waited for the light to turn green.
For a moment I was able to distract myself from thinking
about it.

When I saw that his car was in the driveway and the light
was on in his room I panicked all over again. I was so
afraid that he would see me driving past. I don't want to
run into him. I do not want to have to deal with answering
him when he asks me face to face all nasty" "What's wrong?
You moing out? What the fuck?"

I pulled around the corner and waited, lights off as the
sun rose. I watched in my rear view mirror for his car to
pass by, smoking cigarettes and text messaging. When I was
tired of waiting I drove around the block and when I came
upon "The House" I saw he wasn't home! His car was gone,
yeay! My only thought was "hurry hurry hurry run! Before he
comes back."

I had spent time last night thinking about what I had left
there and needed to grab so I could make a quicker in and
out. I was relieved when my key still worked. He hasn't
changed the locks outof spite. I've rented until May Third.

He hasn't sent me any more ugly text messages. Every time I
get a message I fear it's from him though. His every word
inflicts pain on a very sore level in me. I want to change
my cell phone number and even called about it.

I can get it done for free one time. I do not want to miss
a text message from him telling me that I have to get my
furniture out by a certain time or whatever or he's going
to throw it into the street or some other such thing. Who
knows what he'll do?

I am going to change my cell number once I have moved my
furniture out. I will call them from my mother's house once
I get back with my stuff in tow. I wont need him to tell me
anything at that point. Course, I'd still wonder if he
hasn't done some horrible thing that I don't know about
that will come back and bite me in the ass unawares later

This is how he traps me, he makes me fearful of what he
might do and say. Soon I will walk out of that house for
the last time, knowing it should finally be over (unless he
decides to retaliate somehow for my runnin away this way).

I'm thinking about relocating my entire life. I'm
considering moving to some place where he would never
guess. Changing jobs, everything. Can't run from your
problems, I know, but I can put as much distance between us
as possible!

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