Abstract Soul
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2006-04-19 18:51:47 (UTC)

.....let go..

...the day has come and i don't know how to believe it.
All my life i have only loved one boy. one extraordinary
boy. Fifteen years i devoted to him and always always did
all that i could do to prove to him that i was the one he
should love. he did once but i somehow ruined like i knew
that i would. again and again i would take time for myself
and better the me that he didn't want and would try to
mold myself into what it was that i thought he would want
me to be so that he would find it in his heart to love me.
I don't know if he ever did but i never got my second
chance to prove it. I secretly waited for the day that he
would call and let me know that he wanted me. but he found
a fiancee instead and loved her. when she proved herself
unworthy of him, i ran to his aid to let him know that all
women we so inferior to what love he had to offer them.
and that i would try all that i could to show that i was
worth a tiny tiny bit. but once again he didn't care. For
all those who are beginning to pity me and hate him,
don't. for the first 11 years i loved him from afar and he
never knew and until he did, he did love me, i was just
afraid to allow him to because i knew that if we loved
each other the way that i never want anyone
ever again for as long as i could breathe air. i just
wasn't sure if that was something that i wanted to begin
at that time of my life. so in part in most part, i am the
reason why he doesn't trust me. I also fell into drugs and
alcohol and disappointed him time after time. but also
what he never knew was that he saved me in so many many
many ways that he is one of the very reasons why i am
still alive today. its sad to believe that the fairytale i
had planned took a different road than what was intended
and even though my happy ending isn't with him, i am still
happy. I recently found out that he is in another
relationship with someone...after having told me that he
didn't want one anytime soon...probably just me though.
oddly though, and this is how i came to my astonishing
realization....instead of crying over his new found love,
i was only thinking of one other person and whether or not
that this person could care for me as deeply as i care for
him. i havn't the slightest clue as to how i move on from
this...because loving eric was all that i ever did. i
don't know how to do anything else. its almost as though i
don't have much of a reason for anything anymore. I plan
to cultivate this opportunity as best to my ability as i
possibly can and pray to my god that my past doesn't come
back to haunt me........