Problems; But life will go on.
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2006-04-19 05:20:22 (UTC)

What I wish i could say...

Dear Chrissy,

That sounds so formal doesn't.... that is stupid... we
should come up with a different word that isn't so... old
sounding.. :) hehe.

I wanted to tell you how much you mean to me. You do so
many things everyday for me that i can hardly keep
track... some go unnoticed i'm sure and i'm deeply sorry
for that. You are the greatest girl friend i have ever
found and words can't describe how great, thankful, happy
and so many other things, i am because of it...

As you probably have known, i was trying to diside between
BH and Augie, I told you that i was staying here. I mostly
told you that because you were asking me every single min
of everyday and i just needed you to get off my back. I
was under SO much stress with class and trying to chose
which way to go with my life that i just told you i was
staying. As you can probably guess... i wasn't sure then
and i'm sure as hell not sure now. But i'm sorry to tell
you that i'm really leaning tward leaving and going to BH.
But as of right now i'm not sure. I have given myself a
date to diside by--May 2. I wanted you to be able to, even
if it is short notice, find another roommate if you needed
to. It breaks my heart but i would rather have you find
somebody else to be with and me be here then you being
stuck with somebody you hate or don't get along with at
all because of me. I'm Sorry.

I'm sorry i lied. It hurts me SO deep inside everytime you
bring up next year. I thought i could force myself to be
happy with Augie... but everytime i come back it breaks my
heart even more. You are so happy and that is a (probably
bad) reason why i have waited to tell you. You seem so
uterly happy with it all and i know even as you are
reading this sentance that i have ruined it all for you.
That also breaks my heart.

I have weighed both BH and Augie against one another over
and over and over and over again. This debate takes up my
mind 24/7. It is the last thing i think about before i go
to sleep and the first thing i think of in the morning...
not to mention the numerous dreams i have had over the
past 2 months.

I want you to know that with both colleges i'll be losing
and gaining things. There are 2 things that i'm going to
be devistated about losing if i leave next year:
1. You
2. The religion.
I'm going to miss outreach, the chapel and the religion
classes i was planing on taking. But most of that i can
replace.... but you can NEVER be replaced in my mind and
heart. You are the reason that this choice is SO hard. I
want you to know this because i feel it is important that
you know, how important you are to me. I wish this wasn't
happening... this is SO much harder then many things I
have done, and i'm sorry again that it is hurting you.

I feel like things have changed between us. Too a huge
change but enough to make me thing seriously about moving.
I feel you have found your mate, (AKA: Theo. hehe) even if
you dont end up married you are together now. You need to
spend your time with him, and you do. In that space, i
have managed to make you my only real friend here... which
leaves me without my BEST FRIEND! I'm not saying this to
get you mad or to leave theo or anything.. i'm just
atempting to tell you that i feel in life we have a
mission to find our mate. That is what a lot of what we do
is all about. Right now i feel mine is back closer to
home. I feel like i'm going against the grain, so to
speak. I'm pushing and pushing but the rubberband can only
stetch so far before i'm pulled back again. That i think
is why i'm homesick. The bad days are when i'm being
pulled back to what i'm suppose to be doing..being with my

I wish you could understand, but i'm afriad that you never
will... or i should say dont right now. You started over
with your life, your parents are here and now you have
Theo. AS much as i try i can't start over... atleast not
yet... i have something that is left unfinished... and i
dont know what to do about it other then to go back. I
think i might feel how you do when you are at your house..
you want to keep yourself as busy with other things so you
dont have to be there.... that is what i have done for the
past 9 months... Who in there right mind would take 17
credits, work now over 10 hours a week, be in outreach and
band... And do homework and... My god.. I'm so tired
inside.. enotionaly and physicaly. I feel i can't do it
anymore... i feel the more busy i am the less i'll think
about home and everything that comes with it. Yes it
works... until you are laying in bed at night... that is
when things always come out.

But i need to start to sum this up i guess.... I dont know
what i'm doing... and on May 2nd i might flip a coin or
something. I know if i go to BH i will probably come back
the next school year... and i want to do the house if i'm
here! But i feel i'm lying to you everyday and i'm sorry
for that. That is what i know forsure. I feel you should
have a 2nd plan... i would love for you to be my roommate
next year but i understand you need to set your life up
too for next year. I would rather see you with another
roommate then if i dont come and you being stuck with some
other person. I'm SOrry for all this, it isn't fair to you
and i wish it was a different way. But like i said right
now i feel like i'm being pulled back to BH... atleast for
the time being.

I want to talk to you about this more... but i dont know
what else to say i guess... I'm SO sorry and i hope you
can forgive me someday.

Love ya with all my heart forever & ever,