To Vomit Upon A Child
i don't think i have ever met anyone who has ever vomitted
upon a child. i guess that this is a good thing. but
yesterday as i was laboring to catch the morning commute i
thought of how i wished to find someone who has vomitted
upon a child.
now why nick? why? why do you want to meet such a
bottom-feeder? well i'll tell you why. because you can
always go up from there. imagine you're at a bar with a
dude who just started working at your firm. you and him are
having the requisite 17 beers and around the 11th he says.
"yeah, dude, i should cut it off here man. i'm trying to
- you as you are draining your 13th beer (always trying to
uphold your seniority)
"well....oh god, i know this isn't something you should say
on your second day on the job....but.....well about 3 months
ago i was really fucked up at my cousin's wedding....well."
(and now there has to be some uncomfortable neck scratching
happening right now).
"she has this 5 year old daughter. and she all wanted to
dance with me, and i thought it would be cool. and you know
i made it mid-way through the charleston, and then all of a
sudden i just started vomitting all over her."
after an uncomfortable glance towards me.
"i mean i had had about 32 beers in 3 hours and all. but
damn. i couldn't stop. then there i was propping myself up
on her. ugh, it got ugly. she wouldn't stop screaming."
at this point he takes a long draught of his beer.
"i guess i'll have one more."
now tell me you wouldn't want this guy as your friend. not
only has he just put back 12 beers with no problem, but you
now have a springboard as to how your life has not hit
you can always say,
"well at least i didn't VOMIT UPON A 5 YEAR OLD GIRL!" if
you ever get into a political discussion.
my only problem is finding someone like this. i figure that
out of the entire population there must have been on person
who has vomitted upon a child. i guess i have to start at
AA meetings. haha, watch me find 3 friends right there.
now i'm not saying i condone vomitting upon children. i'm
just saying that that has to be the low point of all
civilizatoin and i want ot be friends with this low-point.
imagine the funny stories they'll crack out on a thursday
afternoon with utter non-chalance, merely because it isn't
as bad as vomitting upon a child.
there i am at 4:20 on a thursday trying to maintain when
ole' chad comes into my office looking for a conversation.
"i ever tell you the time i took over israel?"
"you took over israel?"
"damn straight. almost took care of the whole problem in
them middle-east.....but then i got hungry."
"you wiped out the jews?"
"no...wait is there a difference between them and the
"completely tecnical, really."
"whatever. whooooo what a blood-bath."
at this point chad will scratch his hair pot-belly.
"not as bad as that time i vomitted upon my 7 year old
brother's face at my mothers 3rd marriage. ugh."
tell me that's not a kick ass thursday!
there i am on a lazy monday morning and ole' bill comes into
"i just got them to amend the constitution to implement
"yeah....you know janice in accounting? yeah...well let's
just say that she's not longer getting 'paid'."
"that's pretty rough dude."
at this point bill will drain a beer.
"yeah. well not as bad as that time i puked all over my
ex-wife's child as he was trying to climb into my lap during
the bulls/wizards game.....hmm, i guess that was also my
tell me that's not a monday you'd love to have!
so anyhow. these are the things i envision as i sit upon a
crowded train trying not to vomit upon the child next to me.