blkdragon

grounded
2006-04-12 05:06:03 (UTC)

Difference between Day & Night

4/11/06 Read “A million pieces” until I was ready to go to
sleep, it inspired a dream. I was at a party, the only
thing I remember about it is that there were a lot of
people there, that everyone was having a good time; I don’t
recall the make-up of the event, how many men or women were
there. It was a lucid dream in that, while in the dream I
knew that I was dreaming, I even told myself that I didn’t
need to record it because I’d remember; I didn’t remember
any specifics and I wanted to.
I recall thinking about the fact that men are the
destroyers of the world, how we’ll even build and invent
things to destroy them, or that cause destruction; we don’t
bother to consider the ramifications of our actions. Some
women seem to be emulating men out of jealousy, where does
that leave the world at large?
I got up and puttered around before hitting the floor, I’m
staying in bed longer, no real reason to get up; I’ve got
to change that! I can’t look for another job, one that
doesn’t require the full use of both my hands, without
ruining my disabled position. I’ve considered going back to
school to make use of my time, how is that going to affect
what’s happening in my life now? Feel like I’m stuck
between a rock and a hard place, have to find a place of
peace to allow the answers to this riddle to come to me.
I’ve got to submit my mileage and script costs to WC or the
Insurance company, need to get cash flow quickly, running
on E and I don’t want to hit anyone up for money; I hate
borrowing and who in their right mind really enjoys giving
money back to anyone, that’s why I don’t borrow.
My fingers are killing me, they feel stiffer than they did
yesterday, I think Kate may have set my progress back by
overdoing it? I’m going to look into night classes for my
Journalism degree. I’ll see about stopping by Jason’s
tonight, on my way home from the rink. If Patty shows
tonight, she’ll be nervous, I hate that; if you don’t fuck
up, you have no reason to be nervous. Perhaps she’s unsure
what she needs to do to have a place in my life, I have
enough concerns right now, too many to solve her dilemma. I
noticed that Kim hasn’t returned to the rink since the
night that Patty grabbed my hand, wondering if she
recognized me as Patty’s territory, she sees that certain
women can approach me without worry and I have approached
her in the past; she should know that she’d be a welcome
change in my life. I’ll make a point to say hello to her if
she shows tonight.
There’s going to be a free concert at the main venue in
town on Easter, considering going to it.
2:04 pm It’s official, Foreclosure proceedings have begun,
the Fire Dept also decided today was building inspection
day; they’ll try again in 30 days. Charles called about his
Birth Certificate, thought he was coming by, that didn’t
happen and I’ll drop it off at his Mother’s in the morning.
I’m wondering why Kathy doesn’t have a copy of Charles’
birth certificate, I know I gave her copies when she had
custody of him, she asked for one to apply for Social
Services. I’ll make sure to tell her that he needs to make
copies this time.
I’ve been informed by the Law Firm not to fill out any
paperwork without notifying them, they want to be sure I’m
filling them out correctly.
Have yet to be paid by Workmen’s Comp, the Insurance Co
tells them that my employer paid my wages, didn’t specify a
time frame. If my employer gets reimbursed for the amount
paid to me, I’ll expect reimbursement of my vacation time.
Just thought about seeing Louisa at the hospital before she
died, her calling me to tell me that she was signing
herself out, I told her to wait for me. In hindsight, I’m
wondering why I didn’t touch her, hug her. I’m also
wondering why I didn’t bring her to my home, I’m thinking
it’s because I was working, because I don’t have a land
line and I couldn’t leave my job if something happened to
her. She wasn’t my wife and I couldn’t afford to lose those
earnings, I wouldn’t have been able to concentrate on what
I was doing, while worrying about her. At best, I should
have grabbed and hugged her when I saw her, I was in shock
from seeing what had happened to her since I’d seen her
last.
To top it all off, my hand is tighter than it’s been in a
long while and sore as hell, Kate really fukked me up. When
I see Kate tomorrow, I’ll tell her that she needs to be
more thoughtful and gentle, I need gradual; not intense
therapy. The job and the Insurance Company may be in a
hurry, we’re talking about my hand and my pain though, so
fuk them!
I called Guy and left v/m, told him that I’d be home @7,
his time; that I’m hoping to hear from him. The summons
says that he’s delinquent to the tune of $120k , seems as
though dummy corporations were set up to incorporate the
purchase of these properties, Guy may end up being the fall
guy here; what do I know?
11:43 pm The night went very well. Got to the rink, Patty
and Mike were already there, “we were just talking about
you”; she said. “Talking about me, really”? The
conversation was about the female guard, she was skating
tonight, they were worried about her bothering them; a
waste of time. The Ski Club members skated tonight, I said
hi to Kim as she came in, I'm sure Patty was watching.
My hand was bothering me when I arrived, I ignored it and
got to rolling. Patty tried to stay in my line of sight,
she always wants to talk and never has anything to say,
better still; she never has anything I want to hear. We
don’t discuss the current issue between us, that makes all
conversations meaningless, therefore; I don’t go out of my
way to talk to her. She saw me greeting the ladies, saw
them greeting me, they got the smiles she may have wanted.
One of the Ski Club members was having a hard time, none of
her friends seemed to have ever helped her, I approached
her and told her I came to get her up and skating; she got
up. I began working with her balance, helping her
understand the fundamentals of motion, getting her to
understand that every part of her body is involved in this
endeavor. Patty watched, I gave Peggy my undivided
attention, I’m not desperate. Patty has seen that there are
other morsels clamoring to land on my plate, I won't be
waiting for her, I never was. I've just been trying to
understand her motivations
The women of the Ski Club were waiting for an opportunity
to talk with me, Peggy asked my name and we began rolling
from one wall to the other, I told her about using her arms
for balance; how to keep her center of gravity low and how
it would help in the event of a fall. I coached her for the
next 20 minutes, Patty began leaving, I told Peggy to hit
the floor and try out what she just learned; when I looked
at her she was doing much better than she’d done earlier, I
was happy she could benefit from the scant time I spent
with her.
I watched Kim for a while, such a free spirit, she’s not
bothering to impress; she’s flying in the joy of motion. It
was getting towards the end of the night, couples moonlight
is just before lights out, Kim headed to her locker; I went
to speak to her. I told her that I enjoy watching her, she
said that when she gets to the rink late, her skate is a
work-out; I told her that I understood exactly what she
meant. I’ve felt the same way for years. She told me that
when she gets to the rink on time, she’ll come and see me,
she missed the last session because she had car trouble.
She was sweating heavily, as she changed into her shoes, I
don’t see any other woman in there exerting as much energy
as she; or having as much fun as she. She talked about my
footwork, we’ll see what we can do for her next time. I
said good night. I stopped at the Ski Club, one of the
women introduced herself to me(Betty), asked if I gave
lessons; I said yes and handed her one of my contact cards.
She began showing them to her fellow members, I’d already
given one to Peggy, the first woman I began instructing
tonight.
Guess I’m the resident professional! There were three women
in the Ski Club, plus Phil and Dave, Dave started clowning
about my potential students; I downplayed his enmity. He
asked if I needed an assistant, I said no without
hesitation, Phil told me that they were going to the Diner
for coffee and asked me to join them; I had nothing else to
do and said I would.
The third woman in the Club would make a point to converse
with me, in depth, before the night was through; she seems
rather interesting. She wasn’t happy that I seemed to
ignore the Club, sometimes I’d look at her and she looked
as though she were scowling, perhaps it’s because I hadn’t
(officially) recognized her as “my people”; everyone’s my
people. They’re still pushing me to join their Club, to be
honest, I can’t afford them! At any rate, the woman is
petite, has a nice body; if there’s a man in her life, he
must be part time. I think she’s considered giving me the
time of day, I don’t know her well enough, I don’t even
believe I caught her name tonight; plenty of time for that.
We talked about cars, speed and run ins with the police;
they wanted to talk about the differences between people
and I’m not walking down that road. Life is what it is, for
whatever reason, make the best of it; end of story.
So tonight I became more of a commodity, not to just the
women I’ve mentioned, it’s time to spread my social
umbrella and begin networking.
Sheridan stopped to ask about the case, I’ll talk to him
tomorrow, perhaps. I was planning to go by Jason’s tonight.
Shawn called me, for no apparent reason, strengthening the
bond we’ve shared; I was too busy to answer his call. I'll
call him tomorrow.




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