HangmanTheory

My Ruined Reputation
2006-04-11 04:16:57 (UTC)

Start A New Life

Have you ever felt that you don't fit in anywhere?
Especially not with your family? I feel so out of place.
Like I shouldn't be here, but I don't know where I should
be. I don't even know if I should be here at all. I feel
like I just get in everyone's way all the time and I'm no
good to anyone. I don't know what I'm feeling right now. I
don't know what's going on. I'm trying to do things right,
but I just end up fucking everything up more.
Basically, a lot of it has to do with my mom. I don't get
what I've done today to piss her off, but she's just been
on my back about everything. I've been grounded for a
little over a week now, and I'm bored to death...So I
decided to draw. So I went and got some white paper and
started to draw. They were stupid little drawings, but I
thought they were cute and I wanted to give them to my
mom. So I did and she started yelling at me for drawing on
paper. I mean, what the fuck else am I going to draw on?
The walls? I don't think she would like that very much.
I'll try to voice my opinion on something, it doesn't even
matter what it is, and she'll shoot me down and tell me
I'm wrong. How can an opinion be wrong? No opinion is
wrong because it can't be proved. It's a state of mind.
She tells me to grow up and that there's more to life than
music, friends and the internet, and I know that. She
should know that. She's the one that's always telling me
that I'm so mature for my age, and so smart for my age,
and then she completely contradicts herself.
I just want to leave. I feel so alone right now. And not
just because I'm grounded and I can't go anywhere or see
anyone. I just feel alone. Like I can't talk to anyone in
my family at all. And if I do, it won't do any good. They
have different views than me. They don't see things like I
do. I try to see things from their perspective, but it's
not right for me. I consider their side of each argument,
and then I come to the conclusion that I don't agree with
it. But they don't even consider what I'm saying. They
assume that I'm just a stupid girl that's blissfully
ignorant to the world and will grow up to be nothing. I
feel like such a nuisance. I cause too much trouble for
everyone. I've wasted so much money and time because I've
been in therapy for 3 or 4 years now, and it seems like
after each therapist I go through, my mom just keeps
getting more and more pissed off, even though she says we
still have to find the right person, because I HAVE to get
better and blah blah blah...

I don't want to be here.




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