"Day-z H"
2006-04-06 10:03:47 (UTC)

"Depression....Myth or Fact?" April 6th, 2006

Never really believed someone could be so down. I mean I
have been down before, don't get me wrong. Never really
thought killing myself was the answer though. But thought
that maybe me being locked up, not being around everyone I
love, or not exsisting was the answer. Also thought that
feeling should pass once I passed puberity. Wrong! Yay me!
Lol (sarcasim). But, I've always heard it happens. My best
answer is being pretty. I hate fixing myself up everyday.
I hate the stress. But I really do think, if my weight
looking like I hardly exsisted would help. But, tons of ppl
told me that is sick, so don't worry, I can't do it. Maybe
it is wrong, but it is the only reason I don't is because
other ppl said they wouldn't like it. Along with drinking
too much. I won't drink everyday anymore, because everyone
else I care about tells me it hurts them. But everyone
tells me it is wrong that they are the only reason I am
trying. Maybe it is. I really think it might be. But when
I can no longer love myself, at least let me live for
something. I don't have much left. I have lost my job, my
car, my cam, my pictures of my grandpa, my cat collection,
my ladybug collection, my pics of my grandma even, my
connections to Maia, most of them to Mel, my connections
to Kyle, I don't trust David A. anymore, my brother never
comes over anymore ( and his gf I did like hates me now),
Freedom and I are always broke because of the courthouse,
I would give up but everyone has told me it would hurt too
much to them. Maybe I am selfish, but I want too, at least
for a break. I wanna cry everyday, and often do. I want my
family back, my relationship with my bf back like before,
my car back, my job back, my friends back, my old life
back, but I can't. Not like before. Everyone thinks I will
hurt them. Everyone thinks I tired too. Everyone thinks I
am on stuff. Everyone thinks I hate them. It's not true.
All I have anymore are bad dreams. All I have anymore is
selfdoubt. All I have anymore is so close to nothing. I am
not saying I am not thankful for what everyone has done to
try and help me. I have just been down for too long. I am
sorry. Sorry for everything. But noone really believes me
anymore. I don't blame them. I wouldn't eitehr. But I
really am. I really miss them all. I really miss my life.
I really miss everything. I really need to be something. I
really have to be close to someone. I really need a
chance, even though I know I am not worthy of it. I need
someone there. I need something, something I can true,
something real. I really want my job back. It was the best
job possible, working with family, people I do want to
help and are close too. I want my car back, something my
parents trusted me with (and for years I bitched because I
wasn't trusted...I was so wrong, and I wanted that soooo
much). I dunno anymore. I dunno.

Myth or Fact? I dunno.