Amnesia

dude
2006-04-01 19:59:02 (UTC)

The Rules of our Relationship...

This must be figured out now.

The reason: Chris and I have gotten into the whole
relationship talk again while he was buzzing. He had
brought some things to my attention. Some things he said
have really made me think.
So what I really have to do, instead of waiting for that
knight in shining armor to come and sweep me off my feet,
and introduce me to the world of relationships, and how
life should be, I have to grab life by the horns. I have
to figure out what I want, from who I want it, and how I
want it. Why I want it that way. This way a relationship
can work. Even though I may not have experiance in it I'll
know what I'm willing and not willing to do, and how I
want to go about getting there. I like being more in
charge. It's funny how it hasn't crossed my mind. This way
we can really have a relationship, the two of us. Not just
him and me saying whatever... let's give it a go.

So here's the core of it...
Let's make sure I've got the right guy... actually, I
don't wanna think about this in depth just now... I'll do
it later tonight hopefully

Okay, since I'm here... listening to his favorite song
over and over again might as well build on my recent
thoughts about this concept.

Well first off, going back to that whole "Have I got the
right guy thing" only one conclusion can be drawn. DUH!
Looking at the crowd of people I surround myself with,
none of them have anything truly in common with me. With
my type of lifestyle, where I am in life, life perceptions
and so on. The other guys I've dated were nothing but a
cheap thrill that somehow ALWAYS think I'd be a good one
night stand and get way too physical which kills a
relationship anyway. Chris is not like that at all. He's
balanced, rather stable for now atleast, and knows how not
to stop himself.

The fact that he's hot as hell is the finishing touch on
that ice cream sundae. I've been attracted to him
physically since I've known him. From anyone in the group,
he was the only one who looks that good... well some of
the guys are nicely built, but they above mentioned
qualities. That and maturity. I've always wanted someone
who is my age, yet knows he doesn't belong there. Because
I know I don't belong where I am... and I'm not just
saying that. How many 21 year olds have an IRA and life
insurance? If I owned something I'd have a will too. But
anyway...

What our relationship looks like now... We talk. It's not
forced. We have deep conversations still, when I thought
we couldn't possibly get any deeper. We have just as much
silences. Nothing aquard. Just sitting side by side. Just
being there with each other. Plus, he's just realistic. He
doesn't have to propel an image to get a girl, or
attention. That's why he doesn't get noticed, but
eventually is the kind of guy that every girl wants. And
this summer is going to be awesome with him. Besides, nice
wether... so much more things to do. I feel this could go
all the way with him. These thoughts are keeping me up
right now. I can picture us doing regular things together.
Living together. It could just be my hopes, but still...
that is enough. We kiss plenty, he used to pull away. Now
that we had that last conversation, he gets more into it,
and holy crap does he turn me on. I almost feel like we
are gonna get it on... this makes me crave having my plans
in order. I'd love to have us just live our lives. I'd
have my own place... He'd be over all the time. Eventually
we'd end up having sex. Cause that's how it would happen.
Which brings me to my next point.

He's the kind of guy I imagined myself having sex with...
completely understanding... he's most likely clean...
completely into it, completely loving me, affectionate
like hell. The kind of guy who could kiss my boobs but
kisses my hand. (He doesn't even know how much I love
that) The kind of guy who will make love to me all day, be
real gentle and understanding in in the beginning, and
will get rough with me once I'm not in paine. The kind of
guy who will stay with me and hold me all night. And loves
it when I tell him that I'd love for him to spend the
night... even when there's no sex.

Obviously even if I were living on my own right now this
wouldn't be happening, but it has great potential to. Gosh
I hope I'm not getting too gaga. If that happens, then
it's like walking off a buzz and into depression. Strike
that high, then get lo.

NOw, what I think a relationship is I'm still not too 100
percent on. I'll ask around. But for now, I just percieve
it as being able to be with a person for an extended
period of time. Mostly because you want to develop
something deeper with them, and a relationship is a form
or a test to see whether you can find that companion for
life. Whether they have what you're looking for/ what you
want. If that's the case I've already made my point that
he is exactly that.
SO I guess now is just gonna be a long period of playing
it by ear, and testing each other out, having fun with
each other. The last one I'm reALLY looking forward to.
Especially at the beach.

The thing that I really don't comprehend yet is the
concept of a date. We went out on a date once. What makes
a hang a hang, and a date a date? I guess the difference
is that we usually we would have a concrete plan on a
date, probably dress up a tad bit. Yet again different in
regards to people. A date with Win was BK and Ultraviolet.
A date with Chris was Olive Garden and a HOokah Bar.
Anything that's fast food should not be even considered
close to date worthy unless you're in high school. Win
this is where you lost brownie points. But anyway. Chris
keeps saying that "It only gets better" and I haven't even
really went out with him so I don't know what I'm missing.

But yeah... that's all I got so far

to be cont'd?