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2006-03-29 06:33:44 (UTC)

What's wrong with commitment?

So I was just over at Chris's a little while ago. It was
real fun, we were just on his bed making out and talking.
I guess I was, as he said, real feisty. He was rather
tired from work and everything. I wanted to seal the deal
if I get the opportunity and make this relationship
official. I found an in.

He said: what are you thinking about?
I told him: YOu don't wanna know.
After wrestling like that for a little while I gave him
acouple of hints that gave it away. He answered that it's
just a title thing, we shouldn't rush it, no pressure.

I have this strange habit of trying to convince someone to
do something by stating that I understand their view
first. Sometimes... like this time, I wasn't able to get
past that part, and I convinced myself. But I didn't get
my end result. So not happy here.

The other thing he said was that he's somewhat stressed
right now and doesn't wanna think about it. When people
ask him about anything right now he can't get past his
trip to Vegas. He even said that his brother and his
brothers girlfriend have been asking him if we're
official. The only thing he answers them is that right now
his mind is on vegas.

Here's the bad thing. He's leaving to Vegas April 10th,
and staying for 10 days. It's currently the 28th.
Recently, time has been going rather slowly, and to give
this another 3 weeks? It's not that it matters really,
but it's just something that would make me feel complete I
guess. For a girl who has had the equivalent of only 3
1week relationships, and met enough jerks to last a
lifetime... it means a lot. But I'm not gonna tell him
that. He'd feel pressured. It might just make him say yeah
sure if you feel that way about it... But I don't want him
to say that just because I said that. I hope this does not
make me possessive.

Also... I would for sure not do anything with anyone else.
But we're not official... so I can do something with
somebody else. This is confusing me. It's like we're just
dating. So technically we're both in that boat where we
can look for other people. I hope he's not just stringing
me along until he finds something better. I'd like not to
believe that from the rest of the things he says.
Apperently I made his day today.

The other side of the story on commitment... I don't know
about it too much. I worry that I may start acting
possessive because I've never had it and I hope I don't
start acting different. Hope I'll just remain myself.

Torn again... Cause there's Win... and the longer this
thing persists with Chris... so stale... the better Win
begins to look. Even though I know nothing will come of it
and I may be jeopardizing a very good friendship. I don't
even know what it is I would be looking for there. I guess
sometimes Chris just doesn't seem like enough. Then again,
I don't think anything could really be all that
satisfying. They get way too excited to quick. Chriss ends
up pulling away, and Win... I can touch his neck and he'll
be just as excited. Knowing that this is me being
realistic, they don't cut it for me as much. They both get
me going, but nothing near what I do for them apperently.

This brings on the ideas of sex. I'm long overdue for it.
Well... considering my goals, no. But nothing seems to be
exciting enough. No one seems to be as amazingly engaging
as they used to be.

What's in a relationship anyway? Just two people who try
to put up with each other while figuring out new things
about each other. Am I getting bored? Is this because I
know a lot already, and I crave the new things to be
learned, and we're running out of them? What is it? I
always say that I love the stagnancy... but that's usually
when emotions are running high. I know they're not gonna
be a 100 miles per hour all the time, but still. One can
dream. I would hope that the passion never dies. Otherwise
it will just be stale, and Stella will definately loose
her groove and just want to get flings here and there.

I would kinda like to engage in sex. Still haven't found
the guy I always thought I'd lose it to, but should I
really settle? Is there a guy like the ones I've always
dreamed of? Chris runs close to it, but not to that
degree. He continually says that "It only gets better."
And as good as it's been getting, I don't know. I'm
thinking what would sex be like with him. Since I care
about him, and it's not just physical, we're both more
mature, it would be closer to what I could imagine my
first time to be. Win... well... he's got a bad past sex
life. He's dated a stripper, he's been involved in a
threesome with that stripper (his girlfiend at the time)
and some other dude she was going out with along with him.
So not someone I'd consider for a mate in that way. Being
him while having sex is a whole different story though.
He's very empethetic. He picks up on the sense of touch
VERY easily. That's why it's so easy to excite him. But
from my stand point... He's a kid. He's 19, doesn't know
what he wants.

(By the way, I'm currently listening to HOLY VIRGIN by
Groove Coverage. Real good song)

I'd write more but meh. I might try to read now, maybe
watch some t.v, get food, or try to write poetry.

I'd like to meet up with Win and do some of that
intellectual conversing or intellectual behavior. It's not
that I want to change him... but around me atleast, I'd
like for him to be part kid as he is, and part adult. He's
extremely smart, but he is a big kid. That's a nice
contrast. So if I could have both of those with
him, 'twould be nice.

I guesss I know what I'm gonna do now. Get over it and
just give Chris his space. Not make out with Win in the
mean time. I don't want to take advantage of him like
that, or ruin a potential fantastic friendship. I could
just see him in the future teaching. One of those crazy
teachers. Me the film director. Great inspiration would
come from that. Great stories, great friends. Him just a
bit more mature, but still a kid... It's all good... with
Chris by my side especially... or if a knight in shining
armor comes to save this Holy Virgin... That's good too.


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