theallconsumingvagina

the paint begins to splatter the wall
2006-03-28 13:39:54 (UTC)

surcease

i've been making plans to kill myself

it's not hard to get a gun in this country and i've started
the process of obtaining one

it's not that i don't enjoy life. it's full of plenty of
pleasurable sensations. i wouldn't even say that the bad
outweighs the good. but i'm fucking inept. i can't live
with my ineptitude anymore. i can't live with the physical
realities of time and space, the way we are all so fucking
alone regardless of how intimate we may briefly feel
together. my thoughts are so fucked, so fucked, so
fragmented, i can't put them in order, i can't synthesize
anything, i can't make sense of who i am or how i feel. i
don't know my own opinions, and the ones i try to express
are bullshit.

i've fought for so long for a reserve of strength inside of
myself that would protect me from times like this, some
element of self-esteem or even just, enough loyalty to
enact self-preservation mechanisms. but i can't stop
feeling so affected by other people; i can't stop letting
criticism by others from becoming part of how i feel about
myself

and i don't know how to care, i don't know how to not be
selfish, to add something to this world. i'm okay with
going through life not adding anything to the world.
regardless: i'm drowning in my confusion and my unmemory of
how to get motivated because i don't know how i have always
done it; i sit now and think depressing thoughts, or engage
in mindless self indulgence of various sorts, instead of
engaging responsibility. i'm sloughing off obligation, and
the consequences make me feel like shit. i'm not prepared
for them. and i don't understand how to make myself act in
a way to prevent them.

it's probably a cry for help, right? it must be. i must. typo. it must. i must what? musn't i?
why else would i be typing this.
yet no one will ever see it.
so what. so, what?

then, instead: release. this pressure that has been
building, that hurts, it hurts, it hurts it hurts. i'm so
thirsty for
attention-- i'm
exactly what i hate-- backwards logic because the
idea of someone knowing this about me is so embarrassing;
people are so disparaging of these kind of behaviors--
myself included-- myself especially--i always mock
people like this. i have no
tolerance for their self-pity. i'm so disgustingly
melodramatic and i have so little respect for that that i
want to fucking obliterate myself. i fucking hate this emo
bullshit.

i can't live with the cognitive dissonance of being
something that i hate. not anymore.




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