HangmanTheory

My Ruined Reputation
2006-03-28 01:53:09 (UTC)

I Am...

I am a collection of thoughts and memories and likes and
dislikes. I am the things that have happened to me and the
sum of everything I've ever done. I am the clothes I wear
on my back. I am every place and every person and every
object I have ever come across. I am a bag of bones stuck
to a very large rock spinning a thousand miles an hour. I
am nonsense. I am the grand total of everything I have and
everything I have never been exposed to, but you don't
know that. You don't know that because you don't know
me...or is it the other way around? And if you don't know
me, why go on any further? Otherwise I'm just feeding you
shit.

Throughout my adventures to places unknown, I have truly
learned absolutely nothing. Which means I have learned
more than I think I have and I'm worth more than I give
myself credit for. But what is that worth? Certainly not
my weight in gold, which brings me to another point: How
do we know we really exist? Is the fact that I'm standing
here enough to prove that I'm really here? Like if a tree
falls in the woods, would anyone hear me? So if an alien
race lands on the planet Earth tomorrow and asks me to
prove I'm really here, what do I do? What do I give them?
What do I tell them? I can't paint. I can't sing or dance.
I've never built anything and I've never contributed
anything significant to the human race. Like I was never
here and no one would miss me if I were gone.
But I do have a family, and I do have friends, and so-
called friends, and acquaintances, and many other people I
only see around Christmas time. Maybe they could vouce for
me. Maybe they could testify to my existance and save a
part of me that thinks I'm no better than a bag of potato
chips.
So who am I? Now that I'm here, how do I measure my worth?
You could say the collection of meager possessions I have
gathered over the course of my short life is who I am. Is
what someone owns what he is? I have a gorilla named Abe.
Is that who I am? Is that how I'll be remembered?
I hope not. I hope I'm remembered as the ruler of the
world, the noble person who united all the nations of the
earth. But that probably won't happen. At least not to me
and definately not today.

There's no way home. I blew the bridge. There's no where
to go but forward. One foot in front of another. I hope I
can remember that. The whole foot thing. It's all a blur
now. Did I miss what was? Did I try to run back to the
ashes? Second thoughts. Tears flowing over nothing. Making
mountains.

I don't want to be crude. I don't mean to be. I say things
sometimes. I don't mean to. I've regretted things. A great
many things. I hope I am not too different. I don't mean
to be. I've done things sometimes. Things I wish I never
did. It sounds silly, I know. Why am I talking to you
about it? You don't understand. Why say anything at all? I
don't mean to. I try too hard sometimes. Way too hard. i
don't know why. It's not as easy as it seems. I don't mean
to. It sounds so different when you hear it. Why did I
even think that? Why do I think anything at all? I should
just stop. I'm taking up too much time. What's the point?
I don't mean to. I wish it was easier. I wish a lot of
things. I don't know what to do sometimes. Sometimes I get
better. I don't mean to. But I am not sorry. This is not
an apology. But I forgive you for thinking that. This is a
confession. I didn't mean to.


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