lee_the_messed_up_punk

my #ucked up life
2006-03-26 19:29:32 (UTC)

a part of me

Sunday morning 11:40

I think it's one of those melodramatic days where I
slept through the night and have awaken early in the
morning, wishing I could poison myself. Not to death, just
to nothingness, like the feeling I used to get from say,
beer or pills. Maybe I don't exert myself enough so that
there is more physical pain that goes away when I'm high.
What's the point in getting high just so that I feel like
sleeping again and again. Is it that the dreams are
amazing or are they just more interesting then my modern
life.

I think about Ter just about all the time it seems.
When I'm not thinking about her I'm usually thinking about
the past, the future is hard to think about. It's hard to
fantasice like I used to about what I might do in so and so
time, not that I think there's nothing left, I just know
how hard or believe I know how hard it is to change things.

She gives me hope that I might turn this life around
and be healthy like I never was. There were days I felt
healthy, I've always been active but after all this, I wish
I never drank away so many years. I barley have the urge
to drink anymore, I think I drank to calm the anxiety of
work, the interaction with the outside world that at times
can be so shallow and mean. Without that interaction, I
don't feel the need to drown myself to sleep but do miss
the feeling of pure exhaustion. Being at work and just day
dreaming of how nice it would be to be back in bed under
the covers, three days working on four hours sleep.

I think weed is also something that I don't feel I
need anymore, the high gets me paranoid and at times I hear
voices like when I first started smoking it in high
school. People used to think it was impossible to
hallucinate off of weed but I did, regularly. Then it just
stopped and I began to like the high, it calmed my nerves
and made it easier for me to think. Even the pill I'm on
for anxiety, it used to make me feel better but now it
feels like it does nothing. Ever since I hallucinated in
the hospital off of whatever drug they gave me, nothing
seems to do anything anymore, not even cigarettes. Does
that mean that I have a stronger immune system or has my
immune system given up.

It's been a long time since I stopped taking pain
killers, maybe this is what it feels like to be healthy. I
basically quit drinking and considering I used to get drunk
every single day, my body must be healthier then it was.
Maybe I just miss the feeling of being unhealthy, even
though I find it hard to day dream about the future, I'm
defiantly more clearheaded then I used to be. I can't tell
if it's just a part of growing up or maybe this is why I
drank all the time, so that I didn't have to think this
much and know this much. If I kept alcohol in my blood, at
least I'd have some ignorance in me, artificial ignorance.

I'm not really going though depression, Ter is the
best thing that has ever happened to me, the fact that
she's just as in love with me as I am with her and that
she's coming back here gives me a lot to look forward too.
I guess I'm just getting so used to when I'm either in a
manic or a depressive state that it's hard to constantly be
the same person. Maybe those voices I hear are just
suppressed feelings that I hid while growing up. I can
remember some times when people for no reason would make
fun of me, just because I was the new guy, always an
outsider trying to fit in. It all seems like such a wasted
effort when I should have just been myself, the way I am
now. I'd probably have a lot less friends but at least
they'd be there for me now.

I don't miss most of them, I wish I knew the people I
know now when I was younger, it's hard to grow up when you
where never able to be young. The youngest I ever felt was
when I was either high or drunk. I think I missed out in
being a kid so when I had the chance to be one, I would
over exert myself and drink to blackout, get high to
paranoia and hallucinations. That's why I began to enjoy
painkillers, they didn't make me blackout or make me
paranoid or hallucinate, just relaxed, painless. Now they
don't do anything, just stop my arm and back from hurting
after the fall.

I think the summer will bring back energy into my
body, just remembering last year, rather then poisoning
myself, I'd be riding my bike. I never really cared about
the exercise, I just liked the wilderness, the water and
the quit breeze of the wind. It felt so weird to be doing
something like that 25 years of age. I would often bike
when I was young, around the city looking for places I've
never been before. I would bike everywhere, even outside
of the city somedays just to see how far I could make it.
Tomorrow I'm going farther, I'd think.

Entering the work force stopped all that, there was no
time for it anymore. It was work, then drink away the
anxiety. Work, then drink. I don't think I drank because
of an addiction because what's stopping me from drinking
right now. I'm sure I could get money buy some booze, make
some beats, make some songs. Most people would go insane
not working or parting every day, I think I only partied to
get away from the anxiety of the day, it's weird to have
such a grip on my sanity, almost the opposite of what would
happen to a normal person who became housebound.

Even though I never have any money, I don't feel any
poorer then I used to when I did have money, it would all
goto drugs and booze or other activities that I had to rid
the anxiety away around work anyways. Does that make me a
failure, someone who is too lazy too work. If I'm not lazy
am I a criminal for not wanting to put my part in...or is
it really a sickness.

Ter was telling me yesterday that I should write a
book because I've suffered a lot and came out a good
person. I've always wanted too because I think that my
life is something that I would like to read about, not
because it's mine but because it is pretty amazing how
everything has happened and I'm still alive today and don't
spent my time complaining about things that are in the
past. I wouldn't be who I am today without all that
suffering, sure it has it's repercussions but at the same
time I think I'm capable of great things, I just have to
work around my health and Ter seems to bring out the good
side of me that I like to be.

She said that even after all that has happened, I
still make people laugh and feel and don't do what a
depressed person would do. I think when I'm with her she
brings out the side of me that I miss, the side away from
the suffering, the real me, my personality away from the
reality of things that just came to be. It wasn't my fault
but this feeling of guilt comes over me like I did this all
to myself. She makes me realize that I'm a good person,
that I did suffer but move on and learn rather then forget,
forgive rather then hate. Making her feel good makes me
feel amazing, even just seeing her smile after she fades
away and looks so sad, lost in thought.

The fact that were eight years apart doesn't bother me
or her. I hope I'm not doing anything wrong, she's an
adult, I don't do anything really to draw her in or
convince her, probably the only thing I ever did close to
that was ask her to come see me. I didn't do that because
I needed to get laid or had some fixation with the idea. I
really needed a friend, someone who wasn't selfish, someone
who I could love and would love me back, someone too hug,
smile and cry with. Over the years we became so close, I
never really looked at her as being younger or older then
me, we think alike, most girls my age will never be as
smart as she is now, I learn from her.

I love Ang and miss her but really do believe that I'm
not the right person for her. She is special, I'm sure Ter
and her would like one another if they gave friendship a
chance but Ang might not like the fact that she is younger
then me. Then again, once she knew how smart Ter is she
might understand. It's so strange how things came to be,
what is now and how there is such a good chance that I can
make a big change in my life for the better.

I just hope I can get my health back and that Ter
continues to love me and doesn't eventually get sick of me
or something I do. Ang knew exactly what she was getting
into, she just thought that I would change over time, maybe
if she let me change rather then force it or be impatient,
it would have worked. Maybe I needed to be alone again to
make that change or her to be more honest with me and not
keep her resentment of things I was doing inside. I always
knew she didn't like certain things about me, like she
would just accept them because she really loved me, but
since she didn't love herself enough, it was impossible to
accept the love I had for her. I think kids would have
made things worse.

It's not that I'm getting old or that I'm just looking
for a girlfriend that would be good mother material but Ter
just happens to fit that type. She would be an amazing
mother, I've never seen someone who could love people and
things the way she does. She see's beauty in everything
and people see that in her, she's like what she calls me,
an angel. If there was any girl I've ever met in my life
that I would like to have a child with it would be with
her, just because I can see how good of a person she is and
how a child needs a mother with as big of a heart as hers.
I would never rush into something like that, it would have
to be her choice and thought out closely but in the future,
if she wanted to raise a child with me, I think I would say
yes.

She reminds me of myself, how I used to dream of being
a father when I was only a child myself, how I thought I'd
teach and love my child, looking at the face of something
that was part of me.

lee




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