Ode to a psycho!HA!
2006-03-24 03:42:00 (UTC)

Things aren't easy...

Why did you change?

Why did you stop loving me the way you used to. I used to be your whole
world I thought there wasn't a moment in your day when you weren't thinking
about us, or wanted to be with me. In the early months it was always one of
our biggest fears that one of us would change, and we'd lose our beautiful
love. Our great friendship. I know I can't actually say to you any of the things
I'm thinking. Because then you'd feel worse than I think oyu already do. But I
really don't know how you feel. You might be overjoyed that it's over. You
might be relieved that you don't Have to come see me, and you don't Have to
tell me you love me. Or that you care about me. Or that you miss me...

but I don't really know how you feel. and something tells me that you're not
overjoyed about all this. but i could be wrong. I tried to convince myself that
you were so completely in love with me that we wouldn't ever do this again...
but I was wrong about that. And, I know it hasn't been that long, it hasn't
been that long at all. But it feels like an eternity. The days just keep going
and going and going, and finally it's time to go to sleep, and I'm wide awake. I
just keep waiting and waiting. Hour after hour, for you to call and say "You
are the most beautiful woman in the entire world, I am completely in love
with you, and you would break my heart if you didn't take me back."

Or something like that...

These things are supposed to get easier with time. So far it's completely
excrutiating. Mostly because I can't say anything. Everybody knows that we're
through, but everybody also thinks I'm ok with it. That's I'm being strong, and
moving on. I haven't cried since that night. I've come close a couple times.
But never actually gotten there. I'm just holing it in. Holding all of it in. Just
like you . Just like I used to before you , but you wouldn't let me get away
with it. Sorry I couldn't do the same for you. I tried. I tried so hard. I tried so
so so hard. I din't want to lose you. I don't want to lose you. And thats why I
can't say anything to anyone. Especially you. then you'll feel guilty, and blah
blah blah. And I don't want your sympathy. I wanted your love. I Wanted us to
be a team. to work through things together. But I guess you think you'll figure
then out better without me. I hope you're right.

I hope you come back soon. everyday is getting a bit harder to not make an
idiot of myself infront of you. Every time we talk I want to say how much I
miss you, and that I love you. And that I miss the thought of sleeping next to
you. and that I wish I could touch you, and kiss you and hug you. And feel
that you are right here in front of me. It's ok that we only see eachothe rone
day a week. it's only temporary, things will get better. but I can't . Because I'm
too afraid you'll pull yourself even further away. I really wish you could just
come back. come back to me, and be like we were. And I hope through all of
this that you figure out why you keep pulling further, and further away, and
love me again.

Tonight we are two months shy of having our three year anniversary.

happy anniversary sweetheart...