My Ruined Reputation
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2006-02-26 00:20:56 (UTC)

It's Been Awhile...

It's been a long time, and I've been keeping everything
inside, but I feel like I really need to let everything
February has always been a bad month for me. Every since I
can remember. This year I got it double. Serves me right I
guess, we all get what we deserve.
I can't even describe what I'm feeling right now. It's a
mixture of hurt, betrayal, hope, wonder, jealousy, rage,
hate towards myself, I'm just at a loss of words. A few
weeks ago I was doing so good. I was happy and everything.
Well...happy considering the situation.
Is love really supposed to hurt? I thought it was supposed
to be the greatest thing that ever happened to you...But
I'm not seeing the greatness right now.
I don't remember much from last night. It all went by so
fast. I woke up this morning and saw that I was completely
massacred. I couldn't breathe. I was covered in cuts and
bruises and burns. The upper part of my arm is practically
one big blister. Well it was before I popped it. I
remember cutting myself badly last night and I remember it
bleeding a lot, and then sewing it shut after a while, but
I don't remember the other cuts. I don't know where the
bruises came from either. It looks like I was in a bad car
accident. The thought gives me chills.
People say that everything happens for a reason, but I
don't see what the reason for this could possibly be. I
don't know what I did wrong. I just want to know what I
did to deserve this. Maybe I'm just one of those people
that gets shit in life no matter what. It wouldn't
surprise me.
I can't bring myself to do anything. I'm filled with self-
pity and hate. I feel like an emo child. I just want to
lie in bed and die. I wish I had some drugs...
That's the only thing that's ever been there for me.
Drugs. Whenever something was wrong, they would be there
and I'd feel good again. I can't say that about anything
Now that I've stopped all that, it's hard to really
concentrate on anything else. I don't know how I'm going
to keep this up...
I remember that one time when I bought an 8ball of
coke...and I snorted it all in under a minute. I was so
convinced I was going to die. I lost touch with reality
and I thought that I would finally be free. I understood
everything. The most puzzling questions became clear to
me. I actually knew something. Eventually I lost
conciousness. When I woke up I thought I was dead because
all I could see was white. I sat up and everything came
into focus. I realized that I was still in my room. I
could hear my heart beating. It was like it was outside my
body. It wasn't for a few minutes that I realized that it
was only my mom banging on my locked door, yelling at me
to wake up.
I haven't really been the same since then. Knowing how
close to death I was and how close I was to letting go
frustrates me still. I can't remember the answers to
everything anymore. I really wish I did.
But since that day, I've had a better understanding of
life. Sometimes I'm convinced that we don't even really
exist. What makes us real anyways?
I guess I'll never know...

And as for all this...
I've never said so much and at the same time said nothing
at all.

Maybe things will go right again someday.

But until then, I don't really have anything.