Let's see how long this lasts
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2006-02-23 07:46:34 (UTC)

slightly confused...a little input please from those of you who read

I'm such a goose. I feel like a foolish little kid. I've
evidently developed feelings for a dear friend. I'm
suppressing them because I feel stupid for harboring
them. He's a senior and this sounds childish, but he's
way cooler than me. I could never imagine him actually
returning my feelings. See...

We wouldn't know each other if it weren't for whit. Their
friendship started as more than that... to be honest I
really think she was a rebound for him (actually for the
same girl that just broke his heart like last week) For a
long time, he was just her friend and I occaisionally
tagged along. More and more we became a trio, but now
whit's got a job, so there's a lot of time that its just
the two of us alone. When we're alone we flirt in a
different way than we usually do. It started last weekend
really... I think... he tried to get me to lay down beside
him on the couch, but he was drunk and it was like 4 or so
in the morning so i just went to bed. The next morning
his phone woke me up across the house. So I went in the
next room to see if he was up and we fell back asleep on
the couch together. It was comfortable but awkward at
times simply because he would do something and I would
think he was joking or get weirded out or something...
mainly I was asleep and don't remember any of it. So
anyway... due to my recent past with guys I decided not to
take any of that seriously. but I liked it, it felt
homey... we've hung out a lot lately without whit... but
the important part was tonight. We had gone to famous
daves to visit kait at work. Whit had rehearsal so she
dropped us off at his place. Mandy's coming up tomorrow
so he cleaned and I washed dishes. Afterwards we were
watching TV and we began to flirt like we have been
lately... don't get any ideas... nothing substansial up to
this point, but then he was like let see how close we can
get to one another without kissing, and if we do we both
lose. I wasn't exactly keen on this idea, as I wouldn't
mind actually kissing him in the first place, but not if
he's just playing around. I don't want to be a fool.
Anyway, I probably came off as being afraid in the
situation that followed, but I wasn't, I just don't want
to be mocked. If he's really just kidding I would feel
stupid if I actually went along, cuase apparently things
mean more to me than they should. Anyway we were laying
on the couch watching tv talking and such and it was in
context but he was like, "I just want to see them. Kind
of a preview to see if I'm heading in the right direction"
or something like that. I just acted like he was
kidding. I don't know how to react to things that happen
like that right now... is he serious? cause I kinda want
him to be. but I dont' think I'd be the kind of girl he
wants. I'm not that pretty, I'm not too promiscuous (I
know that spellings off), I'm not classy, I dunno... I
don't know if i'd cut it for him. I've ran into that
feeling a lot lately. Maybe I'm just not good enough for
anybody... who knows? Anyway back to the story... at 11
he said he should take me home... and he did. I got on
AIM and asked him why he was in such a hurry to be rid of
me and he said he didn't want to do anything stupid. I
dont' know how to interpret all this... should I just
ignore that I have feelings for him at all... does he like
me? or does he want a rebound? or what the hell does he
mean by all that... if he's just wanting to flirt that's
fine, but I need to keep that in mind. I'll end up having
all sorts of crazy ideas like I did about jon at the end
of the last school year. I don't what's going on?


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