Nick's Journal
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2006-02-22 02:17:47 (UTC)

The REAL Bachelor

what with juli being gone all week visiting her bro in cali
i have some alone time and am in all cases a bachelor
(except for the fact that i have a fiance). one of my
freedoms is that i can watch as much tv as i like, which has
led me to the show, "The Bachelor".
now i don't know if you've ever seen this show, but
something struck me. my bachelor life is nothing like this
guy's. fuck, i bet 99% of the men out there don't lead a
life like this jackass.
so allow me to propose a show called the REAL bachelor.
let's take a hypothetical name, like say.......nick! and
let's follow him around for a hypothetical 24 hours.
in the morning nick wakes up at 5:30 am hung over as shit.
he had thought it would be a good idea to get two 22 ozs of
the homebrew as he had been home visiting his family. this
bachelor doesn't realize his tolerance is lighter than than
a freshman sorority chick's now that he has been out of
college. he gets up and scratches his nuts. the room spins
with him and he quickly runs to the bathroom. while sitting
there reading through a comic book (foxtrot) he thinks,
"well i should drink my hangover away." with this he
finishes the 1/8th of wine left in the fridge from about a
week ago.
it's now 6 am and he says,
"fuck it i might as well go to work." so he gets into his
car and drives to work as he has to go to taste a potential
for his wedding (not that he has a fiance or anything).
this bachelor's eyes are so glazed over it isn't even right,
and he's not drunk but he has that slight buzz you get when
you drink an 1/8th of wine with no breakfast at 5:30 in the
he blasts this DDR song about 37 times on the way to work,
while screaming the lyrics and cutting people off left and
he then gets to work and immediately returns phone calls
thinking that nooone would possibly pick up the phone at
7:30 in the morning. lo and behold he is all of a sudden
speaking to a client, and realizes that he might be a bit
too drunk for this sort of interaction.
the day basically is boring as hell. he works like crazy
and sometime around 11 am wonders whether or not he put the
rats back in their cage when he fed them this morning. then
he wonders if he even had fed them. he decides,
"fuck it." and checks to make sure he at least has pants on.
for lunch he saunters to mcdonald's and seriously considers
the liquor store on the way so as not to sober up and not
get the inevitable hangover.
this bachelor then wonders if he is an alcoholic or just a
fun-loving guy. he chooses the latter as he beats an old
asian woman to the mcdonald's counter.
he quickly scarfs down his lunch at some greasy table with
some sort of black shit encrusted on the edges.
he then goes back to work and the hangover kicks in. he
does state filings for another 4 hours and finally gets off
work, drives to the caterer and is all of a sudden
confronted with very kind but very sophisticated gentleman.
this bachelor then tries to not vomit as a spurt of
headaches hits him like a ton of bricks.
he makes it through the caterer incident with a nice meal in
his stomach and comes home to his rats (who by the way were
fed and in their cage).
he then writes this entry.
so................who wants to fuck me?

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