Juli

Problems; But life will go on.
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Ezoic
2006-02-18 05:33:23 (UTC)

Alone & Bitter...but mostly alone,

Wow... so it has been quite sometime now since i have
really written in this thing. I really miss putting my
thoughts down. It really helps to "tell someone" about
whats going on. So i guess i'll just start with what i
have been up to.

I started the spring semester two weeks ago. I love my
classes--biology, psycology, philosoph, sociology and
religion....also Band. They all keep me SO busy i dont
really have time to do much else other then the homework
for all of them. Which is why i love Fridays SO much cause
then i dont have to put up with the stress of crushing
everything in at once.

Last weekend Nick came and surprised me for the
weekend...my V-day pressent. It was SO great. I really
dont remember the last time i was SO happy. I had all the
people i love and care about (other then my family) here
with me. It was SO great. But ofcourse it crushed me when
he left... monday morning. I hate those frist few days...
It still feels like i cant go on anymore. People ask me
how i do it.. honestly i can't really give them a good
answer. I take it one moment at a time. So yes that leads
me to the Issue of Nick.

Good ol' nick. I love him with all of my heart. I think
that i would be happy with him if he asked me to marry
him. And yes... my psycological side says.. you think.
Then i analize myself and realize that deep down inside
myself i wouldn't be as happy as i could be. I really love
him with all of my heart and will love him forever. But we
dont have much in common... and the list goes on. Good
news... i 95% sure i have really gotten over him and
Angie. But is that because i realized he wasn't "the one"
or not. I cant tell you. But when i'm not with him i yearn
to be with him. I love him and HE is the reason that i'm
So homesick here at college. He said he was going to
transfer next year.. he doesn't know where... Whould it be
good or bad for him to come here??? Bad... no good... I
have to do somemore thinking on that one. Then the
question is when to break up with him... is it fair for
him to have me here knowing that i dont think we will be
good together forever...NO. But i can't be without him
right now. My religion teacher told us the first day in
her lecture...You need to put your whole life and trust in
God.. he is the one you worship not the people around you.
If you worship them it will only end in disaster. She lost
her husband recently to an acident.. and the lecture was
more ofcourse but...it really hit home. I realized TWO
things since i wrote last.. well more i'm sure but... 1.)
I let people walk all over me always...(this thanks to one
of you who wrote to me) and 2.) I need to learn to be able
to lean only on MYSELF not any one else. THe problem with
both those is that i have no idea how to fix them right
now. but i guess the first step is know and understanding
that you have a problem. So thanks to who ever wrote to
me. It was a rude awakening.

So i have no idea what to do about nick. I should break up
but i can't... so i'm going to wait somemore. As always.
That is what i always do. Pretty soon i'll be 90 and
realized i waited my whole life away. So i need to change
that, but when. LOL ... How bout i wait.

So i guess i'll move to Outreach. I love it SO much. THis
weekend we are going to Iowa to do two services. I'm
pretty excited about doing it. I say that i'm just happy
because AJ (who just got engaged), Carl and Eric are
there. But i really love it all. The people help ofcourse
but. I use those guys to distract my loneliness i guess. I
never really thought of that before but it is really true.
I'm supper lonely. We went to The Banquet...which is the
homeless shelter thing on main yesterday. It was so
inspirational.. and sad. I got to meet 3 more people for
here at augie which was great. But the people there are so
great.. some are disabled and some are just on hard
times..but most have ok spirits and that what counts...
God knows i wouldnt. It made me realized how I take things
for granted all the time. All my stupid problems are as
bad as what other people are going through. Stupid me. I
pray God will help me understand and forgive me.

So, i guess on to why i wanted to write again. Get all of
my frustrations out again. It makes me want to scream
thinking about it. Chrissy. We were SO close... and now we
aren't. Most people would be like.. oh just another stupid
friend. But really it is driving me crazy. Ever since her
and Theo...Yes past major crush of mine theo....started
going out everything has changed. I knew it would i
guess.. i just wish she would be more considerate. She has
broken plans with me god knows how many times, and she
doesn't seem to have time to even talk to me. I try to
hang out with just them two and it just hurts. All i want
is my friend back, cause right now she isn't. It has
gotten SO bad that i started to drink because of her. yes
i know that is wrong... blah blah blah. I have drink to be
around them two. Damn me for trusting her to be there for
me when i need her. I have tried everything but talk to
her. So duh, talk to her... but i cant. I have so much to
say but when i get around her i'm like... nope i'm fine.
I'm Jelious of Theo because he has her attention, i'm
jeliouse of chrissy for having theo, and that they are
together, i'm mad cause she doesn't seem to care anymore,
i'm practicly all of the "7 deadly sins". So i should talk
to her tomorrow...if she can pencil me in.. but probably
not. She'll be with Theo or whoever the fuck. I want
chrissy and haley time with nobody else.. but maybe that
will never happen... really starting to rethink rooming
with her next year. i dont know if i can handle this
anymore.

Well, i guess enough of my whining about my life. I know
it will go on. Life always does that is something i can
trust. Chrissy if you read this...now you know. I hope to
write after sundays outreach... Maybe sooner... chrissy is
probably going to be gone tomorrow and everybody else is
gone for the weekend so i might write again. who knows
really....


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