sarbare

illuminations
2006-02-17 21:33:04 (UTC)

Fight

My heart has been sooo lustful lately.. i'm not sure how much longer i can
continue doing this.

for the past couple of days i've been obsessed with thoughts of jas, and this
overall feeling of desire. desire to have NOW, to control, to be with him
instead of who ever else i might be with at the time.

Why do i do this. i knew it would be like this, i'll never be satisfied by chasing
after what i lust. i cant concentrait, i can pay attention to other people, all i
can think about is him. ...a long time ago i would have called it love. i would
have told my self it was because i love him that he consumes my mind.

but not now. no, i know its lust. I selfishly ignore, or vaugly listen to my
friends problems, while my mind is in another space and time. they ask me to
hang out, and i decline or strongly wish i could, because i hope for a chance
to hang out with jason. Its not right, its selfish. i'm desiring him because i
want fulfillment, and i'm looking to him to gain it.. but in reality he could
never offer me the type of fullfilment my heart desires.

and now tonight i have plans to hang out with him and honestly, thinking
about that leaves me feeling conflicted.. i mean i know i'll go over there
tonight. and who knows what will happen (i have a pretty good idea...) and so
what? we make out, have sex? then i feel like im on this high for the next day,
and after that, i lose interest in all other things again obsessed with this idea
of him and i.

on top of that, i feel manipulated. he said to me "actually i'd really like to
hang out with you and your friends sometime" .. do you realize what him
saying this, meant to me. it meant he wanted to be involved in my life, that i
wasnt going to have to put up another endless fight to try and get him to
want me. .. but now i feel used. i feel like he got exactly what he wanted. and
i smack myself. and i tell myself im only over analyzing things so that i feel
better about myself and can continue about on my ways of being naive.

and i write this all with out even having talked to him about what happened
the other night..

i just have this feeling that i will continue doing the same thing ive done so
many times before. half of me wants to just hate him again.. part of me
wishes we had never started talking again, because i was finally beginning to
move on. then i think, he must have seen that and couldnt let that happen.
that he had to draw me back in, gaining what he wanted.

and i want to talk to him about it. but at the same time i dont.. i dont want to
reveal truth that might be there. i want to be naive... no no i dont... but yea i
do.

all the while i'm lying to my friends. they know nothing of the other night. if i
tell them.. i'm afraid ..

ok i would say i'm afraid of them looking at me and thinking different of me..
but thats a lie.

im afraid of them telling me i need to stop seeing/ talking to jason again. i'm
afraid they wouldnt welcome him in at home church, i'm afraid they would
hate him, and shove in my face the truths i dont want to hear. ..

something needs to happen, but i'm too stubborn to make that choice..
determined i can do this.

and my heart sinks because i write this all out, and realize how much i really
am fighting with God. and then i realize He already knew all this.. He knows
my heart. an it hits me.. because i know He can and WANTS to fullfill me.. but
i'm resisting. because im selfish and i want it all for me, all on my own
accord. im prideful and i want to be able to say, look what i got, alll by my
self! that i am that good that i could somehow earn all of this.. all of jason..
thats sooo unrealistic and selfish..

and i say in my head, if i do choose to deal with it, if i do decide to make the
right choice, then i create drama. and honeslty any more drama and i might
kill myself. i cant take any more whirlwinds. it will throw a desire to drink at
me, a desire to not care, a desire to hate, and yell. but then i realise those are
all choices im am capable of making as well. it doesnt have to cause any of
that unless i let it, and not let God strenghtin me through it instead.

i just dont want to go through it again. not the bad part.. part of me is
thinking i can deal with this lust.. it will pass when things 'work out' naively
assuming they will, in the way i wish..

i'm fighting.. im fighting.




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